Best I Ever Faced: Gennady Golovkin


Gennady Golovkin pummels Dominc Wade on April 23, 2016
September 9, 2016

Gennady Golovkin is from Karaganda, Kazakhstan, but many suspect he was conceived, born and raised at Monsters Inc. At an early age Golovkin was the most feared child in his village.

Its inhabitants knew a monster had arrived the day he was delivered.

Just by using his fists, he took away running water, electricity, farm animals and automobiles. He moved an entire region into the dark ages, just by using his fists.

You see, Gennady Golovkin loves to smile. He believes he is a good boy. What others see is a monster. If Gennady doesn’t see you smiling, he will knock you into the cornfield and shape your face into a grotesque grounded beef patty.

Gennady Golovkin is the undefeated and reigning middleweight champion of the world.

Tomorrow night at the O2 Arena in London, England, Gennady defends his middleweight crown against the only man brave enough to step into the ring with him.

Kell Brook is making the giant leap from welterweight to cash a check up at middleweight.

When Brook looks at Gennady’s baby-face and guileless eyes from across the ring he better be thinking happy thoughts. Before the fight is done, Brook will be begging Gennady to wish him to the cornfield.

Golvokin is beyond a shadow of a doubt the most feared fighter in boxing history. His greatest accomplishment to date is unifying the fractured middleweight championship in dominate fashion.

On August 14, 2010, Golovkin captured the interim WBA middleweight title with a first round destruction of Milton Nunez. Golvokin entered as the WBA #1 contender, while Nunez was the #13 challenger. Nunez was such a deserving challenger, he jumped over eleven contenders to fight for the interim title.

Golovkin added the IBF title to his belt collection on October 17, 2015. He brutalized a flawed and glass jawed David Lemiuex in front of 93,173 blood-thirsty New Yorkers at Madison Square Garden.

The coup de grace to the middleweight division occurred on May 18, 2016 when Golovkin captured the WBC title.

Trembling in his boots and cowering in Golovkin’s presence, Mexican superstar Canelo Alvarez generously vacated the WBC championship. Alvarez politely handed the green belt to Golovkin on a lovely sterling silver platter.

“I am honored to be named the WBC middleweight world champion,” Golovkin said upon receiving his championship belt.

“I achieved my goal of getting all the belts and proving I am the best in the world.”

Earlier this week Gennady graciously took the time to speak to about the best he ever fought in eight key categories.


Muhammad Ali: I could never figure out how to avoid Ali’s jab in Knockout Kings on my Playstation.


Gabriel Rosado: There is no one better from 154 pounds to 168 pounds that can block punches with his face better than Gabriel.


Marco Antonio Rubio: Have you seen him butcher a goat? His taco making skills are top notch. The best Birria I ever ate!


Canelo Alvarez: Have you seen how fast Canelo runs when someone mentions my name?


Miguel Cotto: He knew I would give him a bigger ass-kicking than he received from Pacquiao and Margarito combined.


Martin Murray: He did a pub crawl the night before our fight and still lasted 11 rounds.


David Lemiuex: He’s too sexy for his shirt! He has what it takes to strut down those catwalks. He has that chin and jawline all male models have.


My shadow: I suffer more at the hands of my shadow than anyone else. Shadow boxing hurts!

American Heavyweight Develops British Accent After Eight Round Thrashing

July 18, 2016

Three-time heavyweight title loser Chris Arreola endured eight rounds of brain rattling punches from WBC heavyweight titleholder Deontay Wilder on Saturday in Birmingham, Alabama.

The routine ass kicking left Arreola with a bizarre disorder causing him to speak in a British accent.

Arreola suffered a fourth round knockdown and reached the end of his rope after eight rounds when his corner stopped the fight. Arreola ate a total of 152 punches.

Everything was seemingly normal after the fight. Arreola enjoyed his post-fight meal which included a healthy serving of menudo, a carne asada burrito and two chile rellenos.

However, yesterday morning Arreola stunned his friends and family with a cool new accent.

A neurologist examined Arreola and diagnosed him with ‘Foreign Accent Syndrome.’

“Chris has a very pronounced British accent,” exclaimed the neurologist.

“A very sexy one at that I might add.”

The disorder is ultra rare. Less than 100 people in the world suffer from the disorder.

The neurologist says he does not know what causes Foreign Accent Syndrome.

“I do know the cause of heartburn,” the neurologist said.

“Eating a breakfast consisting of Takis and spicy nacho cheese with Chris Arreola.”

Canelo Wants To Fight! Does Triple G?


Gennady Golovkin’s dating profile picture
July 15, 2016

The boxing world is clamoring for a middleweight title clash between Canelo Alvarez and Gennady Golovkin.

Alvarez is the lineal middleweight champion and boxing’s top attraction.

Golovkin holds multiple alphabet soup middleweight belts and is desperately seeking a world-class payday.

Unfortunately for Golovkin the opposition he faces is far from that world-class level.

Canelo finds himself atop boxing’s food chain. He can drive over one million pay-per-view buys on his name alone.

Golovkin and his promoters yearn for that kind of drawing power.

His promoter Tom Loeffler chooses opponents that will pad Golovkin’s unblemished record and build his brand as “Boxing’s most feared and avoided fighter.”

Canelo is without a shadow of a doubt Golovkin’s biggest threat. He understands the “business” side of the sport and knows that’s the reason behind Golovkin’s avoidance to fight him.

“You know everywhere I go people keep asking me, why Canelo? Why is Triple G too chickenshit to fight you? The answer is simple. Triple G is not a fighter. He’s a businessman,” Alvarez said.

Tom Loeffler has been brilliant in building Golovkin into boxing’s biggest boogeyman. He matched Golovkin against opponents with inferior boxing skills. Warm bodies with the lack of power to exploit Golovkin’s poor defensive skills.

“Let me tell you something, in this business we have to protect ourselves at all times,” Golovkin said.

“As a matter of fact, I understand a loss would hurt my brand and drawing power. So at the end of the day it’s business. And make no mistake about it, this is a business,” he added.

Saul "Canelo" Alvarez

Canelo takes on all comers. Including The Invisible Man in a street fight

It will be a nice piece of business for Golovkin on September 10. Golovkin will defend his paper championships against undersized welterweight titleholder Kell Brook.

The entire thing is a conspicuously orchestrated play by Loeffler to take the heat off of Golovkin for dancing around a Canelo fight.

Brook could give Golovkin fits by using his speed and technical boxing skills. However, Golovkin won’t have to fear Brook’s power.

This is where Canelo scares Golovkin. There is no questioning Canelo’s skill. Against Alvarez, Golovkin would be taking on a fighter with immense power, skill and courage.

Even Golovkin’s team is willing to admit these fears as they decided to fight an undersized fighter.

They say styles makes fights and for Golovkin, his strengths would be neutralized by Alvarez. That’s not to say Golovkin wouldn’t be able to defeat the reigning middleweight world champion.

It would be the first victory over a world-class fighter in Golovkin’s career. A career spanning over ten years and 35 professional fights.

But the odds of a loss would be significantly higher against Canelo than any other D-list jabroni opponent.

The chance of that loss terrifies Golovkin.

Unfortunately for Canelo and all his little Canelo-maniacs, Golovkin’s fears will be the biggest obstacle in making the most anticipated prizefight in boxing today.

CompuBox Punch Stat Guy Out Of Action With Finger Injury

April 8, 2016

Counting and inputting punches into a laptop is a simple job, but not when you have two broken fingers. Boxing’s premier data-entry superstar finds himself on the sidelines after suffering a freak injury.

CompuBox Punch Stat Guy broke his right index and middle fingers Thursday. He’s expected to miss Saturday night’s fight between Timothy Bradley and Manny Pacquiao.

He will be out of action for eight-to-twelve weeks and will not require surgery. Compubox Punch Stat Guy will wear a splint to stabilize his fingers.

The injury occurred in a taxi cab on the Las Vegas strip, when CompuBox Punch Stat Guy tried finger blasting an intoxicated college co-ed.

The unidentified woman sneezed while CompuBox Punch Stat Guy jammed his fingers into her vagina.

The woman sustained minor injuries. She was treated and released at the scene by emergency personnel. The extent of her injuries are not considered to be serious.

CompuBox Punch Stat Guy experienced immediate swelling, pain, tenderness and loss of range of motion. The pain was so intense he did not wash off the dried mucus secretions from his fingers.

Turd Book Publishing Proudly Presents ‘ON THE CRAPPER’


March 21, 2016

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The pretentious prose will loosen your stool and allow you to shit with ease. Anal fissures and hemorrhoids will be a thing of the past.

Ask your doctor if ON THE CRAPPER is right for you.

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ON THE CRAPPER (Turd Publishing, hardcover, 632 pages) is now available where laxatives and other constipation products are sold.

Don’t be a snapper, purchase your copy of ON THE CRAPPER today!

Torpedo Falls is a member of the Saving Historical Information Team (SHIT), Preservation Of Organized Prizefighting (POOP), Coalition of Researchers for the Advancement of Pugilism (CRAP) and is a founding member of the Transcendental Universal Rankings Department (TURD). He was born and raised in Sleepy Hallow, New York.

Manny Pacquiao Discovers Glory Hole At Wild Card Gym

March 16, 2016

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Manny Pacquiao made a curious discovery at the Wild Card Gym on Tuesday. He reportedly found a glory hole in the gym’s restroom.

A glory hole is a space that is cut into a wall or restroom stall partition. They are used to facilitate anonymous sexual contact.

The world famous gym owned by Pacquiao’s long-time trainer Freddie Roach is in a seedy section of Los Angeles, just minutes away from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The existence of glory holes in Hollywood is not uncommon.

The Philippine congressman first sighted the glory hole after finishing his pad work for the day. Pacquiao was walking into the restroom and removing his hand wraps when he noticed the mysterious opening. He is currently training for his upcoming fight against Timothy Bradley.

Saying the discovery blew Pacquiao’s mind is an understatement. The glory hole was crudely cut and fabricated with duct tape, Pacquiao reportedly told Roach.

Pacquiao couldn’t stop giving the blow-by-blow description of his intriguing find.

“There’s a big hole in the wall,” Pacquiao explained. “I think there’s someone on the other side of it too.”

Pacquiao complained about the restroom’s lack of cleanliness, but described every single detail about the glory hole and inquired on where he could find more.

Roach was overheard telling Pacquiao that he will remove the glory hole as soon as possible.

“No,” Pacquiao loudly responded. “Just make sure somebody mops up the floor, it’s too sticky in there.”

Jeff Lacy Recalls Ass Kicking Joe Calzaghe Gave Him 10 Years Ago

March 10, 2016

Jeff “Left Hook” Lacy became a footnote in boxing history when Joe Calzaghe utterly destroyed him in a super middleweight title unification bout.

It was a brutal one-sided beating that took place on March 4, 2006 in Manchester, England. Lacy was thoroughly dominated in skill, strategy and fundamental execution.

Lacy,38, cheerfully recalls the ass kicking he received from Joe Calzaghe 10 years ago.

“I was the favorite going into the fight and was completely dismantled by him,” Lacy said.

The idea of controlling America’s next great pound-for-pound champion and box-office draw was now a shattered dream for Lacy’s temperamental promoter Gary Shaw.

“The Calzaghe fight was supposed to be Jeff’s springboard to superstardom,” Shaw said. “I shit the bed. What the fuck was I thinking putting a one-dimensional fighter up against a supreme fighting machine?”

Lacy entered the fight as the undefeated IBF 168-pound titleholder. He left the ring a battered and bloodied mess.

Calzaghe easily and savagely tagged Lacy with uncontested 25-punch combinations.

The damage done to Lacy was immediate. He had blood spewing from his nose and cuts over both eyes just a couple of rounds into the fight.

“I took that beating like a champ. He dropped me, but couldn’t stop me,” Lacy boasted.

Calzaghe won every single second of the fight. He landed 755 precision guided punches while avoiding 95 percent of Lacy’s punches.

“The Lacy fight was a pleasurable fight. A career defining fight,” Calzaghe recalls. “I was pretty much in there with a punching bag.”

Floyd Mayweather Looking For The Next Floyd Mayweather

March 7, 2016

Floyd Mayweather retired as the greatest fighter of his generation. His long list of accomplishments include an undefeated 49-0 record, world titles in five different weight classes and a WrestleMania victory against the 500-pound giant The Big Show.

Now that Floyd has reached the end of his fighting career he’s looking forward to the next phase of his life as a promoter. In order to make the kind of money he made in the ring he’s looking for the next greatest fighter ever.

Here are the prerequisites a fighter must possess to be anointed as the heir to the TBE throne:

  • Pass a literacy test. Score higher than a third grader.
  • Must know how to drink water from a cup or bottle to prevent dehydration.
  • The ability to multi-task. Keeping that pimp hand strong by juggling eight women at the same time.
  • Learn how to inject lidocaine into your own hands and administer IV fluids.
  • Must have the stamina to spar 27 straight rounds without any rest periods.
  • Have a full understanding of your Miranda rights.
  • Must be able to withstand libelous and catty 10,000 word essays from the “Dean of Boxing writers” Thomas Hauser.
  • Must have the will to work for no less than $30 million per fight because anything less is just “slave wages.”
  • Beating women…in bowling. You know Floyd likes to bowl right?

Mike Tyson Offers Reward For Fugitive Championship Belts

February 29, 2016

Mike Tyson is offering a reward for any information leading to the apprehension of the fugitive championship belts that escaped from the International Boxing Hall of Fame last November.

The six belts shattered their display cases and escaped from the IBHOF Museum located in Canastota, New York.

“I am offering a reward to anyone providing info that leads to the capture of the championship belts that flew the coop from the International Boxing Hall of Fame,” Tyson said.

Tyson came up with the bright idea of offering a reward all by himself.

Canastota Police Chief James Zophy called Tyson’s offer, “better than nothing.”

Police have received less than three leads since the escape. Chief Zophy urged the public to come forward with any information.

“We urge any New Yorkers to come forward with coffee, donuts or any information regarding the escapees. But mostly coffee and donuts.”

Tyson’s reward includes autographed boxing gloves, a signed VHS copy of “The Hangover” and a chewed up piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear from their infamous 1997 heavyweight title rematch.

“Get my autograph and a genuine piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear chewed by me or else!”

Tyson later posted a picture of himself posing next to Mitch “Blood” Green’s disfigured face following their 1988 street fight.

Ironically, the fugitive championship belts were encased next to the shit-stained trunks worn by Marvis Frazier in 1986 when Tyson knocked him into unconsciousness.

Ronda Rousey Calls Manny Pacquiao A Cocksucker For Making Anti-Gay Remarks

February 24, 2016

Ronda Rousey says Manny Pacquiao is a “cocksucker” for making anti-gay comments.

Last week, Pacquiao said couples who engage in homosexual relations are “worse than animals.” Later, he doubled-down on the comment by quoting a Bible verse saying gays should be executed.

The former UFC women’s bantamweight champion learned about Pacquiao’s comments during a TMZ interview on Tuesday.

“I supported Manny last year when he fought Mayweather. I even visited him during training camp,” Rousey said.

“I understand that a lot of people use religion as a reason to be against gay people,” she said. “But Manny is a cocksucker for saying that.”

Pacquiao is currently training for his April 8 farewell fight. He will be fighting the perfectly chiseled Timothy Bradley.

There have been calls to boycott or cancel the fight.

Pacquiao’s promoter says the show must go on, but not before denouncing the multi-division champion’s comments as “hateful.”

“Manny’s comments were insulting to a lot of people,” Top Rank CEO Bob Arum said. “He’s a fucking imbecile.”

Pacquiao also lost his most lucrative sponsor days after making the derogatory comments. Nike terminated its endorsement deal and condemned Pacquiao’s homophobic comments in a written statement.

Pacquiao confirmed he no longer endorses Nike. He is currently seeking a new deal with clothing distributor Adam & Steve.