Warrior Poet Delivers The Heavyweight Flow

August 2, 2017

Do you suffer from menstrual cramps, backaches and bloating? Are your periods heavy and gross? Well you don’t have to suffer or worry anymore!

Anyone who has reluctantly consumed Torpedo Falls’ first two books, THE GODS OF BORE or ON THE CRAPPER, can attest to the psychological and physiological repercussions befallen on them.

HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW is the third and final treatment of this three-book series.

Reading Torpedo Falls latest pretentious work will drive you insane, but look at the bright side it will help you forget about your menstrual pain.

For a peaceful period, choose the best menstrual pain distraction around with HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW. You can get through your period easier with HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW as it targets a variety of symptoms.

HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW does not alleviate cramps, but intensifies a variety of ailments to help distract from the backaches, bloating and fatigue. And if you need help getting a restful night’s sleep, try Torpedo’s insomnia busting piece THE GODS OF BORE.

Men don’t forget menstrual pain can also cramp your style. Help your significant other remedy her pain by reading her passages of HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW.

In the days leading up to her period make her uncomfortable as can be by rattling her brain with Torpedo’s migraine inducing prose. Some of these menstrual pain distractions will increase irritability, but can help with that uncomfortable bloating. If the bloating does not subside perhaps give the constipation alleviating ON THE CRAPPER a try.

You’ll also find that the turgid verses on the pages of HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW will help with all of your feminine care needs.

You can use a full selection of feminine protection products, but with HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW the thick absorbent pages can offer you varying levels of protection that maxi pads, pantiliners and tampons don’t.

HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW (Turd Publishing, Paperback, 316 pages) can be found in the feminine product aisle and where fedora hats are sold.

Make those debilitating menstrual cramps go away. Become a world champ and order your copy of HEAVYWEIGHT FLOW today!

Warrior poet and Boxing revisionist Torpedo Falls is a member of the Saving Historical Information Team (SHIT), Preservation Of Organized Prizefighting (POOP), Coalition of Researchers for the Advancement of Pugilism (CRAP) and is a founding member of the Transcendental Universal Rankings Department (TURD). He was born and raised in Sleepy Hallow, New York.

The Circus Is Coming To Town


July 14, 2017

The Bang Bros. and Mayweather-McGregor Circus is bringing their act to a town near you!

Floyd Mayweather, “The Greatest Fighter on Earth,” says his traveling circus will be the greatest box office hit of the summer.

“This shit is big. This shit is gonna be good no matter what.”

Conor McGregor, The Fighting Pride of Ireland, says their traveling circus is unlike any circus in the world.

“Unlike other circus acts, we the performers are our own bosses. I cash promoter and performer checks.”

This summer tour will feature unique acts including The Infamous Dancing Monkey Troupe.

“Call it whatever you want,” McGregor said. “Me and Floyd is taking it to another level. It’s great entertainment.”

The headlining pair are scheduled to finish their circus tour at the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada on August 26.

Tickets for The Bang Bros. and Mayweather-McGregor Circus are available at a local box office near you.


Trump Nominates Angel Garcia To Supreme Court

January 23, 2017

President Donald Trump nominates controversial boxing trainer Angel Garcia to be the nation’s 113th Supreme Court Justice on Monday.

Trump’s quick decision to nominate Angel Garcia to the country’s highest court comes as no surprise to political pundits and insiders.

Angel Garcia made headlines last week when he nearly started a brawl during a press conference kicking off the promotion for a welterweight championship fight between Keith Thurman and his son Danny Garcia.

When Angel Garcia stepped to the dais he unleashed a profanity laced tirade, dropping the N-word, homophobic epithets and anti-immigrant rhetoric.

The nomination to fill the vacancy was created by the February 13, 2016 death of Justice Antonin Scalia.

President Trump’s Sunday briefing included Garcia’s press conference comments. Impressed by Garcia’s vitriolic comments, Trump moved swiftly to nominate the boxing trainer.

“I have chosen a nominee who has the same beliefs as myself and my administration,” President Trump said in a formal Oval Office ceremony announcing the selection.

Flanked by Vice President Mike Pence and Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, Trump continued to praise his decision to nominate Garcia.

“Angel Garcia is a tremendous boxing trainer, tremendous, tremendous, just wonderful,okay, very good genes, his son is a magnificent boxer, magnificent world champion, he’s a winner, a winner, just like me. Angel Garcia will bring a spirit of decency, modesty and integrity to the Supreme Court, unlike any other Justice in the history of the Supreme Court. Believe me.”

An Open Letter From St. Nicholas

Written By Santa Claus
December 24, 2016

Ho, ho, ho! Santa may be a bit of a creeper, but jolly old Saint Nick isn’t a degenerate like you people from the Boxing world.

Santa’s elves have to shovel through a lot of shit throughout the year. Santa will share some of the ridiculous requests he receives up in the North Pole.

Tyson Fury you’re dreaming of a white Christmas. You want Santa to let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Santa knows that’s code for the blow that goes up your nose. You insufferable doofus, you will be getting a bag full of dicks hung on your fireplace with care. Ho, ho, ho!

Now, now, Gennady Golovkin. You say you are good boy, but Santa knows you have been naughty. So wipe that shit eating grin off your face. Begging for a big fat HBO paycheck fighting punching bags may work with your promoter, but not with jolly old Saint Nick. You get a stocking full of coal and a Freddy Kruger sweater…again.

Little Adrien Broner you want Santa to bring you billions of dollars? I see that you are on the bad boys list. Santa doesn’t reward jail birds. You get a bucket full of piss!

Sweet little boys get Christmas gifts aplenty. Manny Pacquiao you are a little long in the tooth. No, Santa will not bring you vials from the “fountain of youth.”

Ah, Bob Arum. You money grubbing grinch. You write to Santa every year asking for the same fucking shit. The answer is no Bob. You can not have a swimming pool full of gold coins and precious jewels. Just to show you that Kris Kringle isn’t a big red prick, Santa is going to leave a “I’d Rather Be Hiking” license plate frame holder. Ho! Fucking ho! Ho! Hooooo!

As for all you boxing fans out there. Santa gets all your letters asking for GGG versus Canelo, Mayweather coming out of retirement to lose a fight and for Al Haymon to die a terrible, miserable death. Santa shakes his damn head reading your letters. You little ungrateful fucks. This Christmas don’t expect much. Enjoy eating your HBO, Showtime, Golden Boy and Top Rank shit sandwiches. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!





Gennady Golovkin Releases Debut Album


December 5, 2016

Unified middleweight champion Gennady Golovkin has been working on his debut studio album for the better part of two years.

Golovkin has been splitting time pouring his heart and soul into his studio work and shedding blood, sweat and tears in the boxing ring.

And just in time for Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa, Golovkin releases “My Blood is Green, My Heart is Gold.”

The album includes the hit single “Circle jerk fantasies & fire patch gingers.”

Here is the “My Blood is Green, My Heart is Gold” track listing:

  1. “Who knows Eubank?”
  2. “Running from you”
  3. “I ain’t playin’ if you ain’t payin'”
  4. “Circle jerk fantasies & fire patch gingers”
  5. “36-0 with nowhere to go”
  6. “If no Canelo fight it’s not because of me”
  7. “Lowball and Duck”
  8. “Carl Froch is a clown who talks too much”
  9. “A-side cash”
  10. “The purse bid dash”

“My Blood is Green, My Heart is Gold” was released last Wednesday and it’s already a hit.

As of press time over 70 physical copies have already been sold in Golovkin’s native Kazakhstan, with eight-track cartridges accounting for 97 percent of the sales.

Local area Kazakmarts have been inundated with animated Golovkinites clamoring for the debut album.

Reports out of Kazakhstan say hundreds of people are dancing in the streets and celebrating the album’s release.

In Mexico, sales are brisk with over 9 copies sold.

Golovkin’s album is not currently available in the United States.

The album is expected to hit store shelves in six months when the dollar discount stores receive giant shipments of unused, discarded and overstock merchandise.

Orlando Cruz Makes History! What He Did Will Shock You!


November 27, 2016

Orlando Cruz breaks Boxing’s glass ceiling by becoming the first openly gay two-time world title loser.

Cruz was pounded into submission by WBO lightweight champion Terry Flanagan on Saturday at the Motorpoint Arena in Cardiff, Wales.

Flanagan dropped and stopped Cruz in the eighth round of the historic world championship fight.

Referee Steve Gray stopped the one-sided affair after Cruz ate a powerful straight right hand from Flanagan.

Cruz, had come out as gay in 2012 and lost his first world championship bout in 2013 against Orlando Salido.

After the fight, Cruz said he wants to continue to inspire the gay community, while Flanagan set his sights on much tougher opponents.

“I want to inspire the gay community,” said Cruz. “But going forward I want the focus to be on my abilities, not my sexuality.”

Flanagan, who improved his record to 32-0, would like to fight Anthony Crolla, Jorge Linares or Felix Verdejo.

Meanwhile, Cruz dropped to 25-5-1 and is expected to fade back into obscurity as a shitty club fighter.

Best I Ever Faced: Gennady Golovkin


Gennady Golovkin pummels Dominc Wade on April 23, 2016

September 9, 2016

Gennady Golovkin is from Karaganda, Kazakhstan, but many suspect he was conceived, born and raised at Monsters Inc. At an early age Golovkin was the most feared child in his village.

Its inhabitants knew a monster had arrived the day he was delivered.

Just by using his fists, he took away running water, electricity, farm animals and automobiles. He moved an entire region into the dark ages, just by using his fists.

You see, Gennady Golovkin loves to smile. He believes he is a good boy. What others see is a monster. If Gennady doesn’t see you smiling, he will knock you into the cornfield and shape your face into a grotesque grounded beef patty.

Gennady Golovkin is the undefeated and reigning middleweight champion of the world.

Tomorrow night at the O2 Arena in London, England, Gennady defends his middleweight crown against the only man brave enough to step into the ring with him.

Kell Brook is making the giant leap from welterweight to cash a check up at middleweight.

When Brook looks at Gennady’s baby-face and guileless eyes from across the ring he better be thinking happy thoughts. Before the fight is done, Brook will be begging Gennady to wish him to the cornfield.

Golvokin is beyond a shadow of a doubt the most feared fighter in boxing history. His greatest accomplishment to date is unifying the fractured middleweight championship in dominate fashion.

On August 14, 2010, Golovkin captured the interim WBA middleweight title with a first round destruction of Milton Nunez. Golvokin entered as the WBA #1 contender, while Nunez was the #13 challenger. Nunez was such a deserving challenger, he jumped over eleven contenders to fight for the interim title.

Golovkin added the IBF title to his belt collection on October 17, 2015. He brutalized a flawed and glass jawed David Lemiuex in front of 93,173 blood-thirsty New Yorkers at Madison Square Garden.

The coup de grace to the middleweight division occurred on May 18, 2016 when Golovkin captured the WBC title.

Trembling in his boots and cowering in Golovkin’s presence, Mexican superstar Canelo Alvarez generously vacated the WBC championship. Alvarez politely handed the green belt to Golovkin on a lovely sterling silver platter.

“I am honored to be named the WBC middleweight world champion,” Golovkin said upon receiving his championship belt.

“I achieved my goal of getting all the belts and proving I am the best in the world.”

Earlier this week Gennady graciously took the time to speak to FightClubWriter.com about the best he ever fought in eight key categories.


Muhammad Ali: I could never figure out how to avoid Ali’s jab in Knockout Kings on my Playstation.


Gabriel Rosado: There is no one better from 154 pounds to 168 pounds that can block punches with his face better than Gabriel.


Marco Antonio Rubio: Have you seen him butcher a goat? His taco making skills are top notch. The best Birria I ever ate!


Canelo Alvarez: Have you seen how fast Canelo runs when someone mentions my name?


Miguel Cotto: He knew I would give him a bigger ass-kicking than he received from Pacquiao and Margarito combined.


Martin Murray: He did a pub crawl the night before our fight and still lasted 11 rounds.


David Lemiuex: He’s too sexy for his shirt! He has what it takes to strut down those catwalks. He has that chin and jawline all male models have.


My shadow: I suffer more at the hands of my shadow than anyone else. Shadow boxing hurts!

American Heavyweight Develops British Accent After Eight Round Thrashing


July 18, 2016

Three-time heavyweight title loser Chris Arreola endured eight rounds of brain rattling punches from WBC heavyweight titleholder Deontay Wilder on Saturday in Birmingham, Alabama.

The routine ass kicking left Arreola with a bizarre disorder causing him to speak in a British accent.

Arreola suffered a fourth round knockdown and reached the end of his rope after eight rounds when his corner stopped the fight. Arreola ate a total of 152 punches.

Everything was seemingly normal after the fight. Arreola enjoyed his post-fight meal which included a healthy serving of menudo, a carne asada burrito and two chile rellenos.

However, yesterday morning Arreola stunned his friends and family with a cool new accent.

A neurologist examined Arreola and diagnosed him with ‘Foreign Accent Syndrome.’

“Chris has a very pronounced British accent,” exclaimed the neurologist.

“A very sexy one at that I might add.”

The disorder is ultra rare. Less than 100 people in the world suffer from the disorder.

The neurologist says he does not know what causes Foreign Accent Syndrome.

“I do know the cause of heartburn,” the neurologist said.

“Eating a breakfast consisting of Takis and spicy nacho cheese with Chris Arreola.”

Canelo Wants To Fight! Does Triple G?


Gennady Golovkin’s Match.com dating profile picture

July 15, 2016

The boxing world is clamoring for a middleweight title clash between Canelo Alvarez and Gennady Golovkin.

Alvarez is the lineal middleweight champion and boxing’s top attraction.

Golovkin holds multiple alphabet soup middleweight belts and is desperately seeking a world-class payday.

Unfortunately for Golovkin the opposition he faces is far from that world-class level.

Canelo finds himself atop boxing’s food chain. He can drive over one million pay-per-view buys on his name alone.

Golovkin and his promoters yearn for that kind of drawing power.

His promoter Tom Loeffler chooses opponents that will pad Golovkin’s unblemished record and build his brand as “Boxing’s most feared and avoided fighter.”

Canelo is without a shadow of a doubt Golovkin’s biggest threat. He understands the “business” side of the sport and knows that’s the reason behind Golovkin’s avoidance to fight him.

“You know everywhere I go people keep asking me, why Canelo? Why is Triple G too chickenshit to fight you? The answer is simple. Triple G is not a fighter. He’s a businessman,” Alvarez said.

Tom Loeffler has been brilliant in building Golovkin into boxing’s biggest boogeyman. He matched Golovkin against opponents with inferior boxing skills. Warm bodies with the lack of power to exploit Golovkin’s poor defensive skills.

“Let me tell you something, in this business we have to protect ourselves at all times,” Golovkin said.

“As a matter of fact, I understand a loss would hurt my brand and drawing power. So at the end of the day it’s business. And make no mistake about it, this is a business,” he added.

Saul "Canelo" Alvarez

Canelo takes on all comers. Including The Invisible Man in a street fight

It will be a nice piece of business for Golovkin on September 10. Golovkin will defend his paper championships against undersized welterweight titleholder Kell Brook.

The entire thing is a conspicuously orchestrated play by Loeffler to take the heat off of Golovkin for dancing around a Canelo fight.

Brook could give Golovkin fits by using his speed and technical boxing skills. However, Golovkin won’t have to fear Brook’s power.

This is where Canelo scares Golovkin. There is no questioning Canelo’s skill. Against Alvarez, Golovkin would be taking on a fighter with immense power, skill and courage.

Even Golovkin’s team is willing to admit these fears as they decided to fight an undersized fighter.

They say styles makes fights and for Golovkin, his strengths would be neutralized by Alvarez. That’s not to say Golovkin wouldn’t be able to defeat the reigning middleweight world champion.

It would be the first victory over a world-class fighter in Golovkin’s career. A career spanning over ten years and 35 professional fights.

But the odds of a loss would be significantly higher against Canelo than any other D-list jabroni opponent.

The chance of that loss terrifies Golovkin.

Unfortunately for Canelo and all his little Canelo-maniacs, Golovkin’s fears will be the biggest obstacle in making the most anticipated prizefight in boxing today.

CompuBox Punch Stat Guy Out Of Action With Finger Injury


April 8, 2016

Counting and inputting punches into a laptop is a simple job, but not when you have two broken fingers. Boxing’s premier data-entry superstar finds himself on the sidelines after suffering a freak injury.

CompuBox Punch Stat Guy broke his right index and middle fingers Thursday. He’s expected to miss Saturday night’s fight between Timothy Bradley and Manny Pacquiao.

He will be out of action for eight-to-twelve weeks and will not require surgery. Compubox Punch Stat Guy will wear a splint to stabilize his fingers.

The injury occurred in a taxi cab on the Las Vegas strip, when CompuBox Punch Stat Guy tried finger blasting an intoxicated college co-ed.

The unidentified woman sneezed while CompuBox Punch Stat Guy jammed his fingers into her vagina.

The woman sustained minor injuries. She was treated and released at the scene by emergency personnel. The extent of her injuries are not considered to be serious.

CompuBox Punch Stat Guy experienced immediate swelling, pain, tenderness and loss of range of motion. The pain was so intense he did not wash off the dried mucus secretions from his fingers.