Mar 162015


Gods of Bore_
March 16, 2015

Warrior poet and boxing revisionist Torpedo Falls is pleased to announce the release of his new self-published book, THE GODS OF BORE. Insomniacs are invited to experience what it’s like to sleep by reading what has been described as “masturbatory historical fiction.”

Sleep sufferers are in for a treat when the stodgy warrior poetry leaps off the pages to punch them into unconsciousness.

Included in the book is Torpedo’s attempt to treat insomnia with sedative-laced prose. Be warned THE GODS OF BORE should be used as directed and is NOT for those who obtain adequate sleep. Consult a doctor before reading.

Torpedo Falls has turned boxing writing into the drizzling shits. If Torpedo’s penmanship doesn’t send you onto Queer Street, it will most certainly make you jump through a god-damn window.

The Gods of Bore (Turd Publishing, paperback, 948 pages) is now available where sleep aid products are sold.

Torpedo Falls is a member of the Saving Historical Information Team (SHIT), Preservation Of Organized Prizefighting (POOP), Coalition of Researchers for the Advancement of Pugilism (CRAP) and is a founding member of the Transcendental Universal Rankings Department (TURD). He was born and raised in Sleepy Hallow, New York.

Mar 122015

March 12, 2015

LOS ANGELES — Madame Tussauds Wax Museum immortalizes two of boxing’s all-time pound-for-pound greats at an unveiling ceremony on Wednesday.

Fans of Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao will now be able to catch an up-close and personal glimpse of the two best fighters in the world.

Mayweather’s figure is featured in a Van Heusen winkle-free button-down dress shirt with matching Van Heusen no-iron dress pants and sports coat.

Pacquiao is featured in an elegantly attired suit from the world renowned 3 Day Suit Outlet.

In an effort to promote a May 2 pay-per-view extravaganza between Mayweather and Pacquiao the museum is displaying the wax figures in Hollywood, Las Vegas and New York.

Mayweather and Pacquiao join the likes of President Richard Nixon, Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds and O.J. Simpson, all whom have wax figures at Madame Tussauds.

Feb 122015
February 12, 2015

Bob ArumTop Rank CEO Bob Arum utterly destroyed his stepson’s chances at getting some sweet juicy pussy last night.

According to a source with knowledge of the situation, Top Rank President Todd duBoef was in the process of fingerbanging his wife when he received an urgent phone call from Arum.

“Talk about killing the mood,” said the exasperated anonymous source.

“One minute you are writhing in pleasure with fingers sliding in and out of your slick pussy and the next you’re dryer than the Nevada desert.”

The 83-year-old promoter may be cracking under the pressure of putting a historic and lucrative fight together.

Arum called duBoef to blow off some steam regarding the possible mega-fight between his fighter Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather.

“Nobody’s listening to anybody. I’ve negotiated for 50 years and I’ve never been through shit like this,” Arum said during the late-night phone call.

According to the anonymous source, ongoing negotiations between both sides have stalled thanks to Arum’s attempts at derailing what could be the richest fight in boxing history.

“The old fuck is the cock-block king. He does it morning, noon and night.”

“Maybe Todd should take him out for a hike if anyone ever wants to get fucked around here.”

Jan 262015
January 26, 2015

Mayweather cryingThe National Football League suspends welterweight world champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. for possessing deflated balls.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a hand written letter to Mayweather, stating the pound-for-pound king’s cowardly avoidance of Manny Pacquiao is behavior unbecoming of a world champion.

“The conduct reflected in your avoidance of Manny Pacquiao is inexcusable,” Goodell wrote.

“It is my responsibility as NFL commissioner to suspend you indefinitely for having deflated balls.”

Goodell also sent a scathing letter to Manny Pacquiao’s promoter Bob Arum.

“I strongly suspect you and your associates at Top Rank Boxing share the same traits as Mr. Mayweather. Having testicles the size of fruit flies will not be tolerated,” Goodell wrote.

“I despise your masquerade, the dishonest way you pose yourself. You and your whole fucking company,” he added.

“I will not hesitate to impose discipline on motherfuckers violating my rules. Let’s make sure that 2015 is the year we finally see Mayweather versus Pacquiao.”

Jan 232015
January 23,2015

AlHaymonSANTA MONICA, Calif. — Reclusive manager/advisor Al Haymon makes a shocking revelation during a rare public appearance on Thursday.

Just one week after announcing the return of boxing to primetime network television, Haymon revealed – what many in the boxing industry have speculated to be true for quite sometime – that he is indeed a horse.

Copies of his birth certificate were issued at a press conference announcing a television deal with cable network Spike TV. Haymon had previously announced a deal to present his “Premier Boxing Champions” series on NBC.

According to veterinary records obtained by Thoroughbred Racing Digest, Haymon is classified as a gelding and his birth certificate reveals that he was sired by 1948 Triple Crown winner Citation.

“The cat is out of the bag,” said Haymon. “I am a horse, of course.”

The de facto promoter also revealed what many boxing observers have known for years, that his star client Floyd Mayweather Jr. was procreated by a horse’s ass.

Jan 162015


BWAA Awards
January 16, 2015

Fellow members of the BWAA,

It’s that time of year again, which means you should break out your hand lotion and assemble your entries for the annual BWAA circle jerk writing contest. Don’t forget to mail me your nude selfies submissions from the period of January 1 through December 31, 2014.

I appreciate everyone who sends in their submissions in a timely fashion, unlike some of you who wait until the last minute.

Also, the contest is open to MEMBERS only! The contest, after all, is conducted for the BWAA, of the BWAA, by the BWAA.

The BWAA Writing Contest is about recognizing excellence in yellow and checkbook boxing journalism.

The categories are as follows:

CATEGORY A: Press Releases. That would be coverage promoting fighters, fight cards or other newsworthy events. For example, you call your fellow BWAA brothers on behalf of a promoter and invite them to intimate press conferences.

CATEGORY A: Column. Columns are usually opinion pieces, in which you let readers know your biased viewpoint on a particular topic. It isn’t a column just because your head shot runs in the story. If that was the case, all your postings from Facebook and Twitter would be eligible for this award.

CATEGORY B: News Story. This award category is for breaking-news coverage only. That might include the domestic violence arrest of a noted BWAA awards winner, or erroneously reporting a fighter’s failed drug test.

CATEGORY C: Feature, (Thomas Hauser Free Category). Exactly what it says it is, a feature, written in less than 1,500 words. A feature is not a gossip column made up of blind items and unsubstantiated rumors.

CATEGORY D: Feature, (Thomas Hauser Category). Same as the previous category. Except this runs more to lengthier stuff, as in over 50,000 words, contains unsourced quotes, innuendo and is open only to Thomas Hauser.

This important and prestigious writing contest is really what boxing journalism is all about. So if we allowed you into our little boy’s club, paid your annual $40 fee and have something worthy to enter, please do so now.

From Your Esteemed Awards Chairman,
Bernard Fernandez

Jan 142015
January 14, 2015

Mayweather reading

Manny Pacquiao agrees to terms for a May 2 reading contest with Floyd Mayweather, although one major hurdle still remains.

The only thing holding up the long-awaited contest is Mayweather’s insistence that he read the one-page contract all by himself before agreeing to the deal.

He began reading the contract in November 2009.

Mayweather’s representatives are insisting they read the contract to him, but he continues to rebuff their efforts.

A source with knowledge of the situation says concessions have been made by both sides, including which stories will be read and what organization will administer the IQ testing.

If a deal is consummated, the reading contest will take place at the MGM Grand Garden Library in Las Vegas.

As far as which stories will be read, each contestant gets to select his own book.

Pacquiao has agreed to read former President George W. Bush’s personal favorite The Pet Goat, while Mayweather has narrowed down his choices to Mommy’s Black Eye and My Daddy Is In Jail.

Jan 132015
January 13, 2015

Mike Alvarado mugshot

DENVER – A Beretta 9mm semi-automatic pistol was arrested for being in possession of a convicted felon on Monday.

Police found the handgun hiding in a vehicle  belonging to former WBO junior welterweight champion Mike Alvarado.

A Denver Police Department spokesman says the Beretta eluded officers by hiding in the glove compartment of Alvarado’s Hummer.

Since the Beretta is registered as a deadly weapon it cannot legally be in possession of a convicted felon.

Alvarado pleaded guilty to one felony count of  aggravated driving with a revoked license in 2008.

Police say the Beretta was riding shotgun with Alvarado when the Hummer was stopped because the license plates were expired. The officers say the Beretta tried to “act all conspicuous” by ducking into the glove compartment.

Alvarado (34-3, 23 KOs) is set to fight Brandon Rios for a third time on January 24.

The Beretta was scheduled for an armed robbery attempt this Friday at the Mile High Pot Shop in Downtown Denver.

Dec 042014


mccarson fight
December 4, 2014

Bleacher Report boxing writer Kelsey McCarson will be matched up against middleweight prospect Jermell Charlo this Saturday, December 6 in a sparring session that has more to it than being a simple test of wills.

“Kelsey really, really wants to be famous,” said one anonymous source with knowledge of the situation. “He’s tried to become a star in the business, but it’s hard to earn respectability as a writer when you’re working for the internet equivalent of newspaper bird cage liner.”

With that focus in mind and the pretense of doing it all for a cancer kid, Kelsey has set out to make a spectacle of himself.

“I suppose he could’ve gotten a celebrity or legendary fighter to spar Charlo and raise $50,000 or more instead of the inconsequential $5,000 raised, but then what would be the use? Kelsey wouldn’t have been able to get himself on radio shows and featured in local newspapers. And he couldn’t have dedicated weeks to self-serving training videos of him getting in shape. Like he told the world on Twitter, he already makes more money than 90% of boxing writers out there, but he wants more. He wants fame and BWAA membership. He wants to BE somebody—and that kid’s cancer was the perfect opportunity!”

Kelsey took time while in “training” to write yet another awkward, self-obsessive article for the now ultra-fem, sharing the mindset of a fame-hungry scribe about to go through three fake rounds of sparring with a real fighter:

“The fight consumes me. I am not myself. I am short with people and grumpy. People make jokes and I don’t laugh. I stare off into the distance while people around me do normal things like have conversations and share stories about their day…I’m consumed with the fight in a way that I’ve not been consumed with anything prior.”

Will the pressure consume Kelsey before the opening bell? Will his mad quest for fame and appreciation destroy the fragile balance between sanity and insanity? Some are saying that the descent into the black hole of Boxing Writer Munchausen Syndrome has already begun. An anonymous family source is expressing concern.

“I awoke last night at about three in the morning to a demonic cackling in my walk-in closet. I flung open the door and found him sitting cross-legged in the dark, pulling the legs off a spider, smiling like a crazed child.

He was saying, ‘I’m gonna spar with ‘Baby Bull’ next. Spidey needs prosthetic legs. Gonna do another fundraiser. Please donate. Love me. Please?‘

I’m worried what’s going to happen after this fake fight if he gets more than 500 hits on YouTube. He may be unstoppable!”

Fight fans and followers of Munchausen Syndrome will just have to tune in for themselves as Kelsey will surely make the video available by social media blasting for weeks to follow.


Nov 242014
November 24, 2014

Boxing writer gives prostate examsBoxing writer Kelsey McCarson is on a crusade to knockout prostate cancer by lending his high-profile name and image to raise awareness against the deadly disease.

McCarson’s celebrity profile is on a meteoric rise thanks to his work as a boxing journalist and he wants to lend his fame and popularity to a great cause.

Raising awareness and saving lives is McCarson’s sole goal even if he has to perform every single prostate exam himself. The reason to do a prostate exam is to look for early warning signs of colon and prostate cancer.

Approximately 80,000 men die of colon, prostate and rectal cancer in the United States each  year.

McCarson says the exam is uncomfortable and embarrassing, but the consequences of not getting one is a life and death situation and that is why he will be performing free exams at his private residence.

“What I usually do is take my finger put some lube on it and slip it in the anus. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s an essential part of the exam. It’s a life saver,” said McCarson.

“If it helps any, I will perform the exams with both my hands on their shoulders to calm the nerves of anyone being examined.”