Feb 242014
 

FightClubWriter.com
February 24, 2014

AtlasBeardESPN2 Friday Night Fights commentator Teddy Atlas has endorsed the Universal Beard Growers Association of Yesteryear by growing a beard of his own.

During last Friday’s telecast, Atlas revealed his fully grown beard and told his viewers to demonstrate their support for the newly formed organization by growing a beard and “friending” them on Facebook and Twitter.

The Universal Beard Growers Association of Yesteryear (UBGAY) was formed to encourage friendship among those with beards and to continue where the Beard Club for Men “left off” in the aftermath of its purchase by Gillette Razors.

“UBGAY is a great place for the world’s best growers and showers to display their facial hair for the world to see,” exclaimed Atlas.

“This isn’t some boys club where a bunch of clean shaven twinkle toes meet to sissy slap at each other’s smooth skin,” he added.

Atlas says UBGAY simply wants to be an alternative for beard growers who yearn for the days when beard growing wasn’t a fashion statement, but a sign of full manhood.

“This is a throwback to a bygone era, where you hide from the women, smoke cigars and stroke each other’s beards. You know, a manly man’s club, where real men wear beards!”

“That’s why I got behind them,” said an animated Atlas.

When asked why he didn’t endorse the Beard Club for Men Atlas said, “They were grabbing for the short straws. I don’t want to grab at straws. I want to get behind something and reach for the short hairs.”

Feb 182014
 

FightClubWriter.com
February 18, 2014

Floyd WWEFloyd “Money” Mayweather officially kicked-off the “Road to WrestleMania” when he returned to Monday Night Raw at the Pepsi Center in Denver last night.

Boxing’s pound-for-pound champion entered the ring and unveiled his plans for WrestleMania 30.

Mayweather told the sold out crowd that he wants to extend his unprecedented and undefeated WrestleMania streak to 2-0.

“Money” Mayweather has had several rumored opponents for WrestleMania 30, but he quickly put those rumors to rest by challenging a former world wrestling champion.

Surrounded by 12 “Money Team” members, Mayweather challenged retired 48-year-old Mark Calloway to a steel cage match at the WWE’s biggest wrestling event of the year.

Mayweather started what the WWE Universe likes to call ‘The Streak’ by defeating the Big Show at WrestleMania 24. It is not known if Calloway is willing to return from his retirement to end Mayweather’s epic WrestleMania streak.

A source close to the situation, who asked to remain anonymous, says the WWE is planning on naming the Undertaker as special guest referee for Mayweather’s WrestleMania match.

Feb 132014
 

Stag at Sharkeys

An Interview With The Chairman Of Boxing’s Newest And Best Rankings Board

By Dudley “KO” Marsh
February 13, 2014

What better way to help the wayward world of professional boxing than by employing the accumulated brain power of its totally awesome bloggers!

Arriving upon the scene to deliver a thick beef injection of order into the soft backside of the boxing damsel in distress is the Transcendental Universal Rankings Department (TURD), an organization made up of the best and bravest boxing minds ever to pay the $9.99 hosting fee for a WordPress blog.

Chairman Jim Sparx of this honorable society was kind enough to get off Twitter for a few minutes to answer some questions about this expert crew of boxing saviors.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I am a full member of TURD and the organization’s treasurer. I also let members totally crash in my bachelor pad and drink my Sunny D when they’re in town covering a fight.

Marsh: So, Jim, I’ll get right to the point. What makes us so awesome?

Sparx: Well, we’re the product of a generation of boxing experts, fully educated by TV and, frankly, ticked off that the real boxing world hadn’t paid us the proper amount of attention. So, we banded together in an effort to impose our whims on the sport.

Marsh: Tremendous! Tell us about the board of experts and the actual ranking process.

Sparx: As you know, buddy, our 40+ members come from all over the globe and were hand-selected from our list of Twitter followers. We welcome members from every website, country, and philosophical leaning…as long as they agree to agree with us unconditionally, show proper deference to me, and keep quiet about what actually happens behind the scenes.

As for the ranking process, well, this is how it works. During my lunch break at my real job I scribble down my rankings and post them to our private, members-only message board. Then, our mostly non-participatory board is allowed to voice their opinions on my wonderful rankings.

They have a full 25-30 minutes to comment before I stamp them with the TURD seal of approval and post them online as boxing’s only REAL world rankings. On the very rare occasion that there’s some sort of disagreement, I wait a full hour, hear all sides of the discussion, and then go ahead and post them anyway.

Marsh: What about the detractors who say that your rankings are really only the product of like two or three people, at most, and that you’ve misled the public into thinking they were actual rankings compiled by 40+ different experts?

Sparx: We don’t pay the critics any mind. If anyone has issues with our rankings, I’m happy to sit down with them and explain how they’re wrong and how we won’t change a damn thing or let them look behind our curtains.

As long as our board members keep singing our praise and posting our press releases on their websites, the general public will never know that this whole thing is, basically, just the product of my own fertile mind.

In my defense, though, I’m such an expert that what I jot down in thirty minutes or so is completely worthy of blind support by the masses.

Marsh: And why keep the ranking process secret?

Sparx: The fans and boxers don’t need to know just to what degree this is a one-man show. They’re better off just following blindly and letting me do the thinking. Plus, we don’t want to embarrass the 80% of our membership that never even logs in to their account.

Marsh: What’s in the future for TURD?

Sparx: Title belts, sanctioning fees, solid gold pinky rings, and an escape from my day job! We’d also like to eventually find an African American member and someone from Latin America and Asia who can help us understand what the hell is happening below 126 lbs.

Marsh: Tremendous! Any final words for the fans out there?

Sparx: Yes. To prove that TURD is completely transparent in all of its dealings, I’d like to issue the following corrections to last month’s rankings:

We would like to apologize for ranking Riyo Togo #5 in the super flyweight division. Upon further review, she is a female. Similarly, Khao Man Kai has been dropped from his #9 spot in our flyweight rankings due to the fact that he is, actually, a spicy Thai chicken dish rather than an actual human being.

And before we finish, I want to issue a special thanks to those fans and clueless members of the media who have rubber stamped TURD without bothering to look into anything we’re doing. It’s because of you that we have something totally awesome to put on our business cards.

Feb 112014
 

Mayweather-McD-KFC

FightClubWriter.com
February 11, 2014

Floyd Mayweather Jr. continues to keep the boxing world guessing about what he will be having for dinner later this evening.

The 37-year-old pound-for-pound great is known to make shrewd decisions when choosing his late night dinner. However sources with knowledge of the situation say he is torn between his two favorite fast food chains.

Not much is known about Mayweather’s latest cravings. What is known is Mayweather will have a private one-on-one dinner with his personal assistant Leonard Ellerbe.

The five-division world champion asked his fans for some help in choosing his next meal.

“I’m going to let the fans vote,” said Mayweather. “Tell me what I should eat next McDonald’s or KFC?”

A poll has been set up at Mayweather’s official website where fans may select McDonald’s, KFC or submit a write-in vote.

As of press time, 32,000 votes have been cast. McDonald’s is in the lead with 56 percent of the vote. KFC has received 43 percent.

One write-in vote urged Mayweather to “eat a big fat dick.” An anonymous source says the write-in vote was traced back to Leonard Ellerbe’s IP address.

Jan 292014
 

John L. SullivanBy John L. Sullivan
January 29, 2014

To the Boxing Writers Association of America:

I hereby begin this narrative by declaring with full rectitude, my interest in joining your highly esteemed confederacy of newshounds.

By fits and starts, I have penned innumerable works of written composition on the manly art of self-defense. At length, I would proclaim myself more of a ghost writer in the here and now.

To adhere to the BWAA’s membership requirements, I offer my full qualifications as a pugilistic composer of journalistic work.

Be it what it would, I have penned my works of fistic brilliance at the sagacious FightClubWriter.com for a month of Sundays.

You must acknowledge the corn to being a mudsill spooneybarger to never cracking wind with this old bruiser at the copious pugilistic frolics I have punched the clock at as a newshound.

Since being in this catfish aristocracy is a sin to Moses, you would be a humbug below a scalawag if you not already reckon what my “day” job to be.

I want it distinctly understood that I put up my own coin in attending fistic tussles as an author of the sweet science.

A couple of crickets in my pocket wiggled my ears with information pertaining to certain pugilistic hacks receiving compensation from big bug fight boosters. In my humble opine of it all, honey-fuggling the cranks is an affront to the work we do as fistic news scribblers.

At length, there is only one example of my penmanship you need to take a gander at.

One must see the elephant in close neighborhood to know the Hammer and Tongs at this pinch of the game. If you require a reference to accept my modest petition then pick the brain of that fimble-famble fart-catcher who penned a three-part 12,000 word work of balderdash about the greatest heavyweight champion to walk this great big blue marble.

Don’t hesitate to query the boodles of lily-livered pansies partaking in the brotherhood of fistic scribblers about this humble master wordsmith as well.

In the unlikely event that this here membership request be rejected, blood will runneth on the moon if such a thing should happen. Recall to your mind’s eye, for all one’s born days of crossing the lots, I can still lick any sonofabitch hankering for some savagerous sockdologers.

Respectfully yours,

John L. Sullivan, Champion Wordsmith

Jan 272014
 

FightClubWriter.com
January 27, 2014

AlienThe California State Athletic Commission granted a boxing license to an extraterrestrial who has fought in the U.S. illegally for over two decades.

The commission’s unanimous decision means light heavyweight titleholder Bernard Hopkins may continue his boxing career indefinitely.

Hopkins hopes the decision leads to unification showdowns with the division’s other titleholders.

He plans on defending his portion of the light heavyweight crown in late March or early April against WBA titlist Beibut Shumenov.

Hopkins, whose earthly age is 49, arrived on earth as a toddler and began boxing professionally in 1988 after serving five years in prison for armed robbery.

He lost his pro debut as a light heavyweight, but went on to win a world middleweight title in 1994.

Monday’s ruling is seen as a victory for illegal aliens around the world, although it is unclear how many extraterrestrials would be granted a boxing license and whether it would influence other boxing commissions.

Scientists and lawmakers fear the decision may open the door to a possible alien invasion by extraterrestrials seeking employment here on Earth.

Jan 162014
 

FightClubWriter.com
January 16, 2014

Gabe MontoyaED expert Gabriel Montoya made an appearance on the Brian Kenny show and spent the entire interview reciting an erotic poem early Thursday morning.

Kenny who is known for his intelligent sports conversation, invited the 40-year-old aspiring actor on his show to help bring awareness to the embarrassing topic of erectile dysfunction.

Montoya started off the interview by sharing his personal experiences with ED and reading one of his ED inspired poems.

“I wonder if I’d started slower, running my fingers along your thighs, my tongue down from your lips, underneath your chin to your neck. Prying, plying, gently melting in your touch,” he said in a soft-spoken tone.

“Inching my way ever so slowly towards your hot wetness.”

“I wonder if I did that and slowly, almost imperceptibly ran my tongue closer and increasingly firm around the edges of your wet hotness towards the liquid soft sweet center of your sex,” Montoya continued.

“Pushing, sliding, exploring you ever deeper.”

“I wonder if I did that and slid and sucked and gently fucked you with my tongue. If then I could have made you cum.”

Kenny ended the interview by plugging Montoya’s one-man Castro-district show “50 Shades of Gabe.”

Jan 152014
 

FOR IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE

NBC Sports Radio

FightClubWriter.com
January 15, 2013

NBC Sports Radio is pleased to announce that ED expert Gabriel Montoya will be Thursday’s featured guest on The Brian Kenny Show.

Kenny, the greatest interviewer in sports media will discuss erotic poetry, erectile dysfunction and the latest craze sweeping the sports world by storm with the personal spokesman for former convict and illegal drug distributor Victor Conte.

Playing by his own set of rules, Montoya will give in-depth analysis and insight to the hypoxic mask sexual fetish and will provide tips on how to become a successful salesman for erectile dysfunction products.

The Brian Kenny Show is a platform for the biggest names in sports and can be heard LIVE Monday through Friday on the NBC Sports Radio Network.

###

Dec 312013
 

December 31, 2013

FIGHTCLUBWRITER AWARDS

RockyBalboa

The 2013 boxing award season is in full swing and it’s time to hand out worthless imaginary hardware.

The Third Annual FightClubWriter Awards are presented to you by hypoxic training masks and epinephrine soaked cotton rolls, and are awarded to recognize pugilistic failure.

THE JOBBER OF THE YEAR

GlassJoe

BRANDON “BAM-BAM” RIOS

Losing professional boxing matches on a regular basis should be recognized not scorned by the boxing community. That is why this award was created to appreciate those lowly losers with no ability whatsoever.

The Jobber of the Year Award is presented to a palooka adjudged to have exhibited the best type of perseverance and determination for doing one’s job and getting his ass handed to him time and time again.

This award recognizes Brandon Rios for being the best enhancement talent of the year. Rios went 0-2 in 2013, but he earned the award for his work in enhancing Manny Pacquiao’s skills, abilities, marketability and record.

Pacquiao was in great need of reclaiming his star power  after his face-down, ass-up knockout loss to Juan Manuel Marquez in 2012.

Rios did his ‘job’ and was squashed by Pacquiao, losing every single second of their 12-round welterweight bout.

To make sure he did what he was hired to do, Rios used a banned substance against Pacquiao and it worked. Rios failed his post-fight drug test and met his goal of resurrecting Pacquiao’s career.

During the post-fight interview with HBO’s Max Kellerman, Rios asked Kellerman, “Do you think I’m a punching bag?”

No, Bam-Bam you’re not a punching bag. You’re just the world’s greatest jobber.

THE TRAINER OF THE YEAR

Ruben Guerrero

RUBEN GUERRERO

The Trainer of the Year is presented to the trainer who has contributed the most to his fighters’ failure by guiding them to defeat in significant prizefights.

The winner is selected by legendary trainer Doc Louis.

The lowridin’, fedora-wearing veterano found himself under the bright Las Vegas spotlight earlier this year when his son Robert talked himself into a 12-round ass-whipping at the hands of Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Ruben challenged Floyd Mayweather Sr. to a street fight, called little Floyd a wife-beater and coached his son to his biggest career defeat. The best advice Ruben had for his son during the fight was to pray that little Floyd would get caught by some cholo-helicopter swings.

Doc_LouisWhat The Doc Says:Ruben cruises with the homies, but his coaching his pure bologna!!”
Continue reading »

Dec 272013
 

FightClubWriter News Wire
December 27, 2013

DanRafaelESPNESPN boxing writer Dan Rafael was named the winner of the 2013 Ron Borges award on Friday for “Excellence in Boxing Plagiarism.”

Rafael has been decimating media luncheons and covering the “Sweet Science” for more than a dozen years. When he’s not rewriting press releases, he can be found on Twitter making toe jokes or condensing remarks to his loyal “fight freaks.”

The self-proclaimed “king fight freak” has been one of the sport’s most notorious and brazen plagiarists in the fight game. His prolific copy and paste skills are viewed by millions on a daily basis.

In addition to his boxing coverage, Rafael delivers his innovative water pressure report every Friday during his ESPN.com boxing chat. Rafael will be honored at an awards banquet in the spring of 2014. Rafael has requested that the location of the dinner be at the Old Country Buffet in Fairfax, Virginia. We shall see.