Turd Book Publishing Proudly Presents ‘ON THE CRAPPER’



March 21, 2016

Have you packed on a few pounds?

You can’t move a bowel even if your life depended on it? You just sit there pushing, straining and there’s no give?

And the few times you do, your stool makes loud, wet cannonball splashes that leaves your ass wet and dirty? Well there’s hope.

Constipation is generally described as being full of shit and no one knows more about that than Torpedo Falls.

If you caught a snore with THE GODS OF BORE, then you can’t miss Torpedo Falls latest crock of shit.

ON THE CRAPPER starts where THE GODS OF BORE leaves off. Torpedo brings you warrior poetry and revisionist boxing history from the best seat in the house. ON THE CRAPPER will leave you not knowing whether to shit or wind your watch.

Don’t flush in a rush. Remember in order to look out for number one, you have to go number two.

ON THE CRAPPER works by naturally moving your bowels.

The pretentious prose will loosen your stool and allow you to shit with ease. Anal fissures and hemorrhoids will be a thing of the past.

Ask your doctor if ON THE CRAPPER is right for you.

People with diarrhea should not read ON THE CRAPPER and is best used as directed.

Torpedo Falls has shit the bed with his latest collection of masturbatory historical fiction. If your bowel movements have run dry, give ON THE CRAPPER a try.

ON THE CRAPPER (Turd Publishing, hardcover, 632 pages) is now available where laxatives and other constipation products are sold.

Don’t be a snapper, purchase your copy of ON THE CRAPPER today!

Torpedo Falls is a member of the Saving Historical Information Team (SHIT), Preservation Of Organized Prizefighting (POOP), Coalition of Researchers for the Advancement of Pugilism (CRAP) and is a founding member of the Transcendental Universal Rankings Department (TURD). He was born and raised in Sleepy Hallow, New York.

Manny Pacquiao Discovers Glory Hole At Wild Card Gym


March 16, 2016

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Manny Pacquiao made a curious discovery at the Wild Card Gym on Tuesday. He reportedly found a glory hole in the gym’s restroom.

A glory hole is a space that is cut into a wall or restroom stall partition. They are used to facilitate anonymous sexual contact.

The world famous gym owned by Pacquiao’s long-time trainer Freddie Roach is in a seedy section of Los Angeles, just minutes away from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The existence of glory holes in Hollywood is not uncommon.

The Philippine congressman first sighted the glory hole after finishing his pad work for the day. Pacquiao was walking into the restroom and removing his hand wraps when he noticed the mysterious opening. He is currently training for his upcoming fight against Timothy Bradley.

Saying the discovery blew Pacquiao’s mind is an understatement. The glory hole was crudely cut and fabricated with duct tape, Pacquiao reportedly told Roach.

Pacquiao couldn’t stop giving the blow-by-blow description of his intriguing find.

“There’s a big hole in the wall,” Pacquiao explained. “I think there’s someone on the other side of it too.”

Pacquiao complained about the restroom’s lack of cleanliness, but described every single detail about the glory hole and inquired on where he could find more.

Roach was overheard telling Pacquiao that he will remove the glory hole as soon as possible.

“No,” Pacquiao loudly responded. “Just make sure somebody mops up the floor, it’s too sticky in there.”

Jeff Lacy Recalls Ass Kicking Joe Calzaghe Gave Him 10 Years Ago


March 10, 2016

Jeff “Left Hook” Lacy became a footnote in boxing history when Joe Calzaghe utterly destroyed him in a super middleweight title unification bout.

It was a brutal one-sided beating that took place on March 4, 2006 in Manchester, England. Lacy was thoroughly dominated in skill, strategy and fundamental execution.

Lacy,38, cheerfully recalls the ass kicking he received from Joe Calzaghe 10 years ago.

“I was the favorite going into the fight and was completely dismantled by him,” Lacy said.

The idea of controlling America’s next great pound-for-pound champion and box-office draw was now a shattered dream for Lacy’s temperamental promoter Gary Shaw.

“The Calzaghe fight was supposed to be Jeff’s springboard to superstardom,” Shaw said. “I shit the bed. What the fuck was I thinking putting a one-dimensional fighter up against a supreme fighting machine?”

Lacy entered the fight as the undefeated IBF 168-pound titleholder. He left the ring a battered and bloodied mess.

Calzaghe easily and savagely tagged Lacy with uncontested 25-punch combinations.

The damage done to Lacy was immediate. He had blood spewing from his nose and cuts over both eyes just a couple of rounds into the fight.

“I took that beating like a champ. He dropped me, but couldn’t stop me,” Lacy boasted.

Calzaghe won every single second of the fight. He landed 755 precision guided punches while avoiding 95 percent of Lacy’s punches.

“The Lacy fight was a pleasurable fight. A career defining fight,” Calzaghe recalls. “I was pretty much in there with a punching bag.”

Floyd Mayweather Looking For The Next Floyd Mayweather


March 7, 2016

Floyd Mayweather retired as the greatest fighter of his generation. His long list of accomplishments include an undefeated 49-0 record, world titles in five different weight classes and a WrestleMania victory against the 500-pound giant The Big Show.

Now that Floyd has reached the end of his fighting career he’s looking forward to the next phase of his life as a promoter. In order to make the kind of money he made in the ring he’s looking for the next greatest fighter ever.

Here are the prerequisites a fighter must possess to be anointed as the heir to the TBE throne:

  • Pass a literacy test. Score higher than a third grader.
  • Must know how to drink water from a cup or bottle to prevent dehydration.
  • The ability to multi-task. Keeping that pimp hand strong by juggling eight women at the same time.
  • Learn how to inject lidocaine into your own hands and administer IV fluids.
  • Must have the stamina to spar 27 straight rounds without any rest periods.
  • Have a full understanding of your Miranda rights.
  • Must be able to withstand libelous and catty 10,000 word essays from the “Dean of Boxing writers” Thomas Hauser.
  • Must have the will to work for no less than $30 million per fight because anything less is just “slave wages.”
  • Beating women…in bowling. You know Floyd likes to bowl right?

Mike Tyson Offers Reward For Fugitive Championship Belts

February 29, 2016

Mike Tyson is offering a reward for any information leading to the apprehension of the fugitive championship belts that escaped from the International Boxing Hall of Fame last November.

The six belts shattered their display cases and escaped from the IBHOF Museum located in Canastota, New York.

“I am offering a reward to anyone providing info that leads to the capture of the championship belts that flew the coop from the International Boxing Hall of Fame,” Tyson said.

Tyson came up with the bright idea of offering a reward all by himself.

Canastota Police Chief James Zophy called Tyson’s offer, “better than nothing.”

Police have received less than three leads since the escape. Chief Zophy urged the public to come forward with any information.

“We urge any New Yorkers to come forward with coffee, donuts or any information regarding the escapees. But mostly coffee and donuts.”

Tyson’s reward includes autographed boxing gloves, a signed VHS copy of “The Hangover” and a chewed up piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear from their infamous 1997 heavyweight title rematch.

“Get my autograph and a genuine piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear chewed by me or else!”

Tyson later posted a picture of himself posing next to Mitch “Blood” Green’s disfigured face following their 1988 street fight.

Ironically, the fugitive championship belts were encased next to the shit-stained trunks worn by Marvis Frazier in 1986 when Tyson knocked him into unconsciousness.

Ronda Rousey Calls Manny Pacquiao A Cocksucker For Making Anti-Gay Remarks


February 24, 2016

Ronda Rousey says Manny Pacquiao is a “cocksucker” for making anti-gay comments.

Last week, Pacquiao said couples who engage in homosexual relations are “worse than animals.” Later, he doubled-down on the comment by quoting a Bible verse saying gays should be executed.

The former UFC women’s bantamweight champion learned about Pacquiao’s comments during a TMZ interview on Tuesday.

“I supported Manny last year when he fought Mayweather. I even visited him during training camp,” Rousey said.

“I understand that a lot of people use religion as a reason to be against gay people,” she said. “But Manny is a cocksucker for saying that.”

Pacquiao is currently training for his April 8 farewell fight. He will be fighting the perfectly chiseled Timothy Bradley.

There have been calls to boycott or cancel the fight.

Pacquiao’s promoter says the show must go on, but not before denouncing the multi-division champion’s comments as “hateful.”

“Manny’s comments were insulting to a lot of people,” Top Rank CEO Bob Arum said. “He’s a fucking imbecile.”

Pacquiao also lost his most lucrative sponsor days after making the derogatory comments. Nike terminated its endorsement deal and condemned Pacquiao’s homophobic comments in a written statement.

Pacquiao confirmed he no longer endorses Nike. He is currently seeking a new deal with clothing distributor Adam & Steve.

Manny Pacquiao Apologizes For Eating Duck Abortions


February 16, 2016

Manny Pacquiao apologized Tuesday for eating fertilized duck eggs known as balut.

Pacquiao says even though he’s against abortion, a duck has the right to chose and he has the right to enjoy delicious duck embryos.

“I’m sorry for eating balut, but it’s so good,” Pacquiao exclaimed. “Instead I will try other delicious animals like goats, turtles and dogs.”

Pacquiao ate the two-week-old fertilized egg after his two-hour training session on Monday. He is training for what he says will be his final career fight against Timothy Bradley in April.

“These restore my power,” Pacquiao said while enthusiastically peeling off the shell and slurping the semi-developed chick and yolk.

This isn’t the first time Pacquiao has set off a firestorm of controversy.

In 2012, Pacquiao had a spiritual reawakening after being unfaithful to his wife. He rededicated himself to God by selling off his cockfighting operation.

“I have the words of God in my mouth and I have God in me,” Pacquiao said in a 2012 interview.

“I don’t need to put my prized cock up against another man’s cock to have fun. I feel the truth, so I’m happy.”

Chris Arreola Tests Positive For High Cholesterol

February 9, 2016

The Texas Department of Licensing and Regulation suspends heavyweight Chris Arreola for 90-days.

Arreola tested positive for high cholesterol following his win against Travis Kauffman in San Antonio last December.

The 12-round split-decision has been changed to a no-decision.

The suspension is retroactive from the date of the fight, December 12. Arreola was fined two chimichangas, four burritos and one large order of deluxe carne asada nachos.

Arreola also tested positive for diabetes following a 2011 victory against Friday Ahunanya. The win was also changed to a no-decision.

Under the terms of his suspension, Arreola must begin taking the cholesterol-lowering medication Lipitor.

The two-time heavyweight title loser must also attend meetings at a certified Jenny Craig Weight Loss Center.

Tyson Fury Offered 75 Million Imperial Credits To Fight On Death Star

Death Star
February 5, 2016

Tyson Fury claims a Sith master from a galaxy far, far away offered to host his first heavyweight title defense aboard a mobile space station.

The heavyweight champion says the unnamed Sith master made a 75 million Imperial credit offer. The showdown would be a private non-televised event with 75 stormtroopers in attendance.

“We had negotiations with a Sith master from the Galactic Empire to have it on the Death Star,” Fury said.

A rematch between Fury and Wladimir Klitschko may take place later this year in Germany.

The Millennium Falcon, as well as locations in Naboo, Tatooine and Coruscant are possible venues.

“Five possible venues there are. Back to Germany I’m hoping it’s not going to go. To Hoth or Endor than there I’d rather go,” Fury said.

The undefeated Briton ended Klitschko’s 10-year reign as world champion last November.

Fury doubts the Klitschko rematch will go ahead as planned. The 27-year-old windbag suggests he may retire as the reigning world heavyweight champion.

“Into the sunset unbeaten with all the belts, I could just sail. Hmmmm!”

“It’s possible now but it would have been an epic story, fighting on the Death Star I don’t think.”

Masked Man On His Way To Orgy Mistaken For Heavyweight Champion

masked man

January 17, 2016

A local area man wearing a bronze mask was mistaken for a boxing world champion Saturday.

His plans for a night of rituals and sexual pleasure at an orgy hosted by a secret society came to an abrupt end.

The 30-year-old man who wished to remain anonymous was on his way to a Long Island mansion to “get his fuck on.” His cab driver took a wrong turn and dropped him off at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn.

“As soon as I got off the cab a bunch of guys grabbed me. They put a robe and some boxing gloves on me, then walked me down a hallway like I was some prizefighter,” the masked man said.

“Next thing you know I’m in a fucking boxing ring fighting in front of 10,000 people.”

The masked man feared for his life standing across the ring from heavyweight contender Artur Szpilka.

“I damn near shit myself a couple times up there.”

The masked man held his own for eight rounds when lightening struck in round nine. He landed a powerful right hand that sent Szpilka into unconsciousness.

The referee immediately waved off the fight with Szpilka flat on his back and his eyes wide shut.

“Holy shit! I had plans on doing some slamming tonight, but not with another dude,” the masked man exclaimed.

After the fight, Showtime interviewer Jim Gray asked the masked man, “What do you plan on doing next?”

The masked man’s response?