Floyd Mayweather Looking For The Next Floyd Mayweather


March 7, 2016

Floyd Mayweather retired as the greatest fighter of his generation. His long list of accomplishments include an undefeated 49-0 record, world titles in five different weight classes and a WrestleMania victory against the 500-pound giant The Big Show.

Now that Floyd has reached the end of his fighting career he’s looking forward to the next phase of his life as a promoter. In order to make the kind of money he made in the ring he’s looking for the next greatest fighter ever.

Here are the prerequisites a fighter must possess to be anointed as the heir to the TBE throne:

  • Pass a literacy test. Score higher than a third grader.
  • Must know how to drink water from a cup or bottle to prevent dehydration.
  • The ability to multi-task. Keeping that pimp hand strong by juggling eight women at the same time.
  • Learn how to inject lidocaine into your own hands and administer IV fluids.
  • Must have the stamina to spar 27 straight rounds without any rest periods.
  • Have a full understanding of your Miranda rights.
  • Must be able to withstand libelous and catty 10,000 word essays from the “Dean of Boxing writers” Thomas Hauser.
  • Must have the will to work for no less than $30 million per fight because anything less is just “slave wages.”
  • Beating women…in bowling. You know Floyd likes to bowl right?

Mike Tyson Offers Reward For Fugitive Championship Belts

February 29, 2016

Mike Tyson is offering a reward for any information leading to the apprehension of the fugitive championship belts that escaped from the International Boxing Hall of Fame last November.

The six belts shattered their display cases and escaped from the IBHOF Museum located in Canastota, New York.

“I am offering a reward to anyone providing info that leads to the capture of the championship belts that flew the coop from the International Boxing Hall of Fame,” Tyson said.

Tyson came up with the bright idea of offering a reward all by himself.

Canastota Police Chief James Zophy called Tyson’s offer, “better than nothing.”

Police have received less than three leads since the escape. Chief Zophy urged the public to come forward with any information.

“We urge any New Yorkers to come forward with coffee, donuts or any information regarding the escapees. But mostly coffee and donuts.”

Tyson’s reward includes autographed boxing gloves, a signed VHS copy of “The Hangover” and a chewed up piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear from their infamous 1997 heavyweight title rematch.

“Get my autograph and a genuine piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear chewed by me or else!”

Tyson later posted a picture of himself posing next to Mitch “Blood” Green’s disfigured face following their 1988 street fight.

Ironically, the fugitive championship belts were encased next to the shit-stained trunks worn by Marvis Frazier in 1986 when Tyson knocked him into unconsciousness.

Ronda Rousey Calls Manny Pacquiao A Cocksucker For Making Anti-Gay Remarks


February 24, 2016

Ronda Rousey says Manny Pacquiao is a “cocksucker” for making anti-gay comments.

Last week, Pacquiao said couples who engage in homosexual relations are “worse than animals.” Later, he doubled-down on the comment by quoting a Bible verse saying gays should be executed.

The former UFC women’s bantamweight champion learned about Pacquiao’s comments during a TMZ interview on Tuesday.

“I supported Manny last year when he fought Mayweather. I even visited him during training camp,” Rousey said.

“I understand that a lot of people use religion as a reason to be against gay people,” she said. “But Manny is a cocksucker for saying that.”

Pacquiao is currently training for his April 8 farewell fight. He will be fighting the perfectly chiseled Timothy Bradley.

There have been calls to boycott or cancel the fight.

Pacquiao’s promoter says the show must go on, but not before denouncing the multi-division champion’s comments as “hateful.”

“Manny’s comments were insulting to a lot of people,” Top Rank CEO Bob Arum said. “He’s a fucking imbecile.”

Pacquiao also lost his most lucrative sponsor days after making the derogatory comments. Nike terminated its endorsement deal and condemned Pacquiao’s homophobic comments in a written statement.

Pacquiao confirmed he no longer endorses Nike. He is currently seeking a new deal with clothing distributor Adam & Steve.

Manny Pacquiao Apologizes For Eating Duck Abortions


February 16, 2016

Manny Pacquiao apologized Tuesday for eating fertilized duck eggs known as balut.

Pacquiao says even though he’s against abortion, a duck has the right to chose and he has the right to enjoy delicious duck embryos.

“I’m sorry for eating balut, but it’s so good,” Pacquiao exclaimed. “Instead I will try other delicious animals like goats, turtles and dogs.”

Pacquiao ate the two-week-old fertilized egg after his two-hour training session on Monday. He is training for what he says will be his final career fight against Timothy Bradley in April.

“These restore my power,” Pacquiao said while enthusiastically peeling off the shell and slurping the semi-developed chick and yolk.

This isn’t the first time Pacquiao has set off a firestorm of controversy.

In 2012, Pacquiao had a spiritual reawakening after being unfaithful to his wife. He rededicated himself to God by selling off his cockfighting operation.

“I have the words of God in my mouth and I have God in me,” Pacquiao said in a 2012 interview.

“I don’t need to put my prized cock up against another man’s cock to have fun. I feel the truth, so I’m happy.”

Chris Arreola Tests Positive For High Cholesterol

February 9, 2016

The Texas Department of Licensing and Regulation suspends heavyweight Chris Arreola for 90-days.

Arreola tested positive for high cholesterol following his win against Travis Kauffman in San Antonio last December.

The 12-round split-decision has been changed to a no-decision.

The suspension is retroactive from the date of the fight, December 12. Arreola was fined two chimichangas, four burritos and one large order of deluxe carne asada nachos.

Arreola also tested positive for diabetes following a 2011 victory against Friday Ahunanya. The win was also changed to a no-decision.

Under the terms of his suspension, Arreola must begin taking the cholesterol-lowering medication Lipitor.

The two-time heavyweight title loser must also attend meetings at a certified Jenny Craig Weight Loss Center.

Tyson Fury Offered 75 Million Imperial Credits To Fight On Death Star

Death Star
February 5, 2016

Tyson Fury claims a Sith master from a galaxy far, far away offered to host his first heavyweight title defense aboard a mobile space station.

The heavyweight champion says the unnamed Sith master made a 75 million Imperial credit offer. The showdown would be a private non-televised event with 75 stormtroopers in attendance.

“We had negotiations with a Sith master from the Galactic Empire to have it on the Death Star,” Fury said.

A rematch between Fury and Wladimir Klitschko may take place later this year in Germany.

The Millennium Falcon, as well as locations in Naboo, Tatooine and Coruscant are possible venues.

“Five possible venues there are. Back to Germany I’m hoping it’s not going to go. To Hoth or Endor than there I’d rather go,” Fury said.

The undefeated Briton ended Klitschko’s 10-year reign as world champion last November.

Fury doubts the Klitschko rematch will go ahead as planned. The 27-year-old windbag suggests he may retire as the reigning world heavyweight champion.

“Into the sunset unbeaten with all the belts, I could just sail. Hmmmm!”

“It’s possible now but it would have been an epic story, fighting on the Death Star I don’t think.”

Masked Man On His Way To Orgy Mistaken For Heavyweight Champion

masked man

January 17, 2016

A local area man wearing a bronze mask was mistaken for a boxing world champion Saturday.

His plans for a night of rituals and sexual pleasure at an orgy hosted by a secret society came to an abrupt end.

The 30-year-old man who wished to remain anonymous was on his way to a Long Island mansion to “get his fuck on.” His cab driver took a wrong turn and dropped him off at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn.

“As soon as I got off the cab a bunch of guys grabbed me. They put a robe and some boxing gloves on me, then walked me down a hallway like I was some prizefighter,” the masked man said.

“Next thing you know I’m in a fucking boxing ring fighting in front of 10,000 people.”

The masked man feared for his life standing across the ring from heavyweight contender Artur Szpilka.

“I damn near shit myself a couple times up there.”

The masked man held his own for eight rounds when lightening struck in round nine. He landed a powerful right hand that sent Szpilka into unconsciousness.

The referee immediately waved off the fight with Szpilka flat on his back and his eyes wide shut.

“Holy shit! I had plans on doing some slamming tonight, but not with another dude,” the masked man exclaimed.

After the fight, Showtime interviewer Jim Gray asked the masked man, “What do you plan on doing next?”

The masked man’s response?


President Obama Appoints Adrien Broner As Gun Czar


January 6, 2016

President Barack Obama grew emotional Tuesday as he appointed Adrien Broner to lead the administration’s effort to enact gun control measures via executive order.

With tears streaming down his face in the East Room of the White House, Obama praised Broner’s common sense and gun safety record.

“I am fortunate to have such a brilliant, compassionate and humble young man working with us to reduce gun violence.”

Broner, a two-division world titleholder will put his boxing career on hold and work out of the White House’s West Wing. He will report directly to Vice President Joe Biden and be tasked with studying executive actions and constitutional law.

“He is going to be one hell of a gun czar,” said Biden. “But he will be a better wing man for old Diamond Joe!”

Manhunt Underway For Escaped Championship Belts

Tony Zale championship belt

One of six fugitive belts that escaped from the International Boxing Hall of Fame.

November 10, 2015

A manhunt is underway in upstate New York after six boxing championship belts escaped from the International Boxing Hall of Fame in Canastota.

Canastota Police Department officials say the belts escaped the morning of Nov. 5 where they were serving a life sentence.

Museum officials say the belts escaped from three broken display cases and a broken window.

The six belts were displayed at the International Boxing Hall of Fame which is approximately 20 miles east of Syracuse.

Canastota Police Chief James Zophy says the belts will likely head for the black market if investigators can’t find them in time. It’s the first escape in the 25-year history of the hall of fame, he said.

Four of the belts were previously captured by former welterweight and middleweight champion Carmen Basilio and the other two by former middleweight champion Tony Zale.

Timothy Bradley, Virgil To Form The FuckMoney Team


September 10, 2015

WBO welterweight titleholder Timothy Bradley has ushered in a new era of boxing by firing his long-time trainer Joel Diaz and hiring wrestling superstar Virgil.

Bradley held a press conference Wednesday afternoon to officially announce that Virgil has replaced Diaz and is training him for his next fight against Brandon Rios on November 7.

“I met Virgil at Olive Garden a few weeks ago and had the opportunity to share unlimited breadsticks and salad with him,” Bradley said.

Virgil says he’s partnering up with Bradley to take the boxing world by storm.

“Well the first thing you’ve gotta realize is that this right here is the future of boxing. You can call us The FuckMoney Team,” Virgil exclaimed.

Since his professional debut in 2004, Bradley has won five world titles in two weight classes all under Diaz’s tutelage.

In their last fight together, Bradley defeated Jessie Vargas on June 27 to capture the vacant WBO welterweight title.

Boxing insiders have given Bradley a ringing endorsement for hiring Virgil, with one insider calling it a “Godsend for the sport of boxing.”

Virgil is best known for his time in the World Wrestling Federation as the personal bodyguard for the “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.

More recently, Virgil has been seen at subway stations, flea markets and freeway off-ramps trying to sell 8×10 pictures of himself.

When asked if he is competent enough to train Bradley, Virgil says he has a wealth of knowledge to teach the two-division world champion.

“Tim wanted to learn how to be as great as me and get a lifetime supply of fuckmoney. I have been in the game for so long and now it is time to share my skills with the world,” Virgil said.

“I am all about that fuckmoney.”