An Interview With The Chairman Of Boxing’s Newest And Best Rankings Board
By Dudley “KO” Marsh
February 13, 2014
What better way to help the wayward world of professional boxing than by employing the accumulated brain power of its totally awesome bloggers!
Arriving upon the scene to deliver a thick beef injection of order into the soft backside of the boxing damsel in distress is the Transcendental Universal Rankings Department (TURD), an organization made up of the best and bravest boxing minds ever to pay the $9.99 hosting fee for a WordPress blog.
Chairman Jim Sparx of this honorable society was kind enough to get off Twitter for a few minutes to answer some questions about this expert crew of boxing saviors.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I am a full member of TURD and the organization’s treasurer. I also let members totally crash in my bachelor pad and drink my Sunny D when they’re in town covering a fight.
Marsh: So, Jim, I’ll get right to the point. What makes us so awesome?
Sparx: Well, we’re the product of a generation of boxing experts, fully educated by TV and, frankly, ticked off that the real boxing world hadn’t paid us the proper amount of attention. So, we banded together in an effort to impose our whims on the sport.
Marsh: Tremendous! Tell us about the board of experts and the actual ranking process.
Sparx: As you know, buddy, our 40+ members come from all over the globe and were hand-selected from our list of Twitter followers. We welcome members from every website, country, and philosophical leaning…as long as they agree to agree with us unconditionally, show proper deference to me, and keep quiet about what actually happens behind the scenes.
As for the ranking process, well, this is how it works. During my lunch break at my real job I scribble down my rankings and post them to our private, members-only message board. Then, our mostly non-participatory board is allowed to voice their opinions on my wonderful rankings.
They have a full 25-30 minutes to comment before I stamp them with the TURD seal of approval and post them online as boxing’s only REAL world rankings. On the very rare occasion that there’s some sort of disagreement, I wait a full hour, hear all sides of the discussion, and then go ahead and post them anyway.
Marsh: What about the detractors who say that your rankings are really only the product of like two or three people, at most, and that you’ve misled the public into thinking they were actual rankings compiled by 40+ different experts?
Sparx: We don’t pay the critics any mind. If anyone has issues with our rankings, I’m happy to sit down with them and explain how they’re wrong and how we won’t change a damn thing or let them look behind our curtains.
As long as our board members keep singing our praise and posting our press releases on their websites, the general public will never know that this whole thing is, basically, just the product of my own fertile mind.
In my defense, though, I’m such an expert that what I jot down in thirty minutes or so is completely worthy of blind support by the masses.
Marsh: And why keep the ranking process secret?
Sparx: The fans and boxers don’t need to know just to what degree this is a one-man show. They’re better off just following blindly and letting me do the thinking. Plus, we don’t want to embarrass the 80% of our membership that never even logs in to their account.
Marsh: What’s in the future for TURD?
Sparx: Title belts, sanctioning fees, solid gold pinky rings, and an escape from my day job! We’d also like to eventually find an African American member and someone from Latin America and Asia who can help us understand what the hell is happening below 126 lbs.
Marsh: Tremendous! Any final words for the fans out there?
Sparx: Yes. To prove that TURD is completely transparent in all of its dealings, I’d like to issue the following corrections to last month’s rankings:
We would like to apologize for ranking Riyo Togo #5 in the super flyweight division. Upon further review, she is a female. Similarly, Khao Man Kai has been dropped from his #9 spot in our flyweight rankings due to the fact that he is, actually, a spicy Thai chicken dish rather than an actual human being.
And before we finish, I want to issue a special thanks to those fans and clueless members of the media who have rubber stamped TURD without bothering to look into anything we’re doing. It’s because of you that we have something totally awesome to put on our business cards.