Sep 022014
 

FightClubWriter.com
September 2, 2014

victorconte

Victor Conte proudly displays a picture of himself with Holly Fields.

Convicted drug dealer and performance enhancing scientist Victor Conte has developed a groundbreaking new drug that may change the world as we know it.

The unnamed drug will allow a person to change genders without the traumatic effects of undergoing an invasive operation.

“The changes happen rapidly and there is no pain involved,” said Conte.

“Men will begin to see changes when their testicles magically transform into meat flaps. For women, the clitoris will blossom into a two inch penis.”

“But don’t worry,” Conte added, “I have another pill to make it much bigger than that.”

Conte inadvertently created the life altering drug while working on a nutritional anti-constipation supplement for his boxing clientele.

Inspired by boxing promoter Frank Maloney’s decision to undergo a sex change operation to live life as a woman, Conte decided to mass produce and distribute his latest creation.

Although this remarkable new drug is still in the testing stages, Conte is excited by the results he has seen on his test subjects.

One of Conte’s original test patients is fitness-enthusiast Evan Fields. Now living as Holly Fields, the 49-year-old Atlanta native has made the transition from male to female with Conte’s sex change drug.

“I was born in the wrong body. What was wrong at birth is now being corrected chemically,” said Holly Fields.

Conte believes his sex change drug will hit the market within the next six months, but first the product needs a catchy new name.

“The scientific name is methandrofrankensteinstallone, but I like to keep things plain and simple,” he said. “You know one word names like the Cream or the Clear.”

Aug 262014
 

FightClubWriter.com
August 26, 2014

BoxingSceneVirus

BoxingScene virus symptoms

Boxing enthusiasts around the globe were absolutely shocked and utterly dumbfounded to find their computers infected with malware after visiting BoxingScene.com.

Internet security experts say BoxingScene is infected with over one million different viruses including spyware, Trojan horses and Herpes Simplex-10.

People who suspect they may be infected with a BoxingScene virus are urged to contact the Computer Center of Disease Control for further instructions.

Uninfected web surfers are urged to avoid contact with BoxingScene readers as the viruses are highly contagious.

However, one visitor considers himself lucky despite all the doom and gloom swirling around the infectious boxing gossip site. Robert Daniels was excited to learn that he was BoxingScene.com’s $100,000 daily grand prize winner.

A pop-up ad informed Daniels to click a link and fill out a brief survey to claim his cash prize. Daniels, 22, followed the instructions to claim the prize.

“I can’t wait to get my cash,” said a visibly excited Daniels. “As soon as they confirm my social security and bank account numbers belong to me, I’m high rolling it to Vegas!”

Aug 152014
 

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

MayweatherPromotions

FightClubWriter.com
August 15, 2014

In keeping with Floyd Mayweather’s tradition of violence against women, Mayweather Promotions has assembled a stellar undercard featuring this era’s most chicken-shit domestic violence abusers on “DOMESTIC MAYHEM: Mayweather vs. Maidana 2” on Saturday, September 13 from the MGM Grand Garden Arena live on SHOWTIME PPV.

“Floyd always wants to ensure that paying fans get to see what his family’s legacy is all about, Domestic Mayhem! From his daddy Floyd Senior busting up his momma to his uncle Roger smacking around random females, he will deliver a compelling televised undercard,” said Leonard Ellerbe, CEO Mayweather Promotions.

“This fight night will be no different from the rest of Floyd’s domestic assaults. This sensational night of boxing has chicken-shit written all over it.”

Featured on the pay-per-view telecast, adult actress Christy Mack will put her ass on the line, again, in a Sin City ambulance match against her impotent ex-boyfriend and wanted fugitive War Machine.

Plus in a return bout, the singing pride of Barbados, Rihanna, is out for revenge when she defends herself against convicted woman-beater Chris “Soap-on-a-Rope” Brown. In a tag team bout, Ray Rice’s wife Janay Palmer joins forces with Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles to take on the team of self-proclaimed crack dealer Jay-Z and Baltimore Ravens running back Ray “Lights Out” Rice in an elevator match.

Rounding out a scandalous night of televised confrontations, SHOWTIME will present a live hard-hitting rap battle between ESPN talking head Stephen A. Smith and HBO boxing commentator Max Kellerman with special guest OJ Simpson serving as the emcee from his Las Vegas prison cell.

###

Aug 142014
 

By Carsey McKay
August 14, 2014

pansiesThe Boxing Writers Association of America is set to suspend over 20 writers due to a scandal involving the rampant use of estrogen amongst its boxing writers.

Investigators say it is the worst drug-abuse case in the history of boxing.

The BWAA declined to comment, but confirmed that an investigation has been launched to look into the matter.

There isn’t a journalism institution today with a drug problem like the one that threatens the sanctity of the boxing media.

If writers are subjected to 24/7/365 testing for the presence of synthetic estrogen, then the public can know for sure if these effeminate writers are producing estrogen naturally or artificially.

Dr. Margo Woodcock, president and founder of Another Stupid Anti‐Doping Agency (ASADA) has called for the BWAA to immediately test its writers for the use of synthetic estrogen.

To date, only writers who participate in ASADA’s rigorous voluntary program undergo such testing. “The recent positive tests for artificial estrogen in the boxing media is a problem for such a masculine and macho sport,” said Dr. Woodcock.

“Clearly, some writers are choosing to get married because they know their ‘wives’ can easily obtain the substance. It’s long over due that these writers are tested for synthetic estrogen.”

The BWAA has allowed the media to be overrun by testicular-challenged pansies that like nothing more than ogling shirtless, sweaty, muscular, toned and defined beefcakes. Those rugged, fist-fighting, cigar-smoking, whiskey-drinking, fedora-wearing, womanizing fight scribes of yesteryear are a thing of the past.

The future of fight writing is bleak. This isn’t about a few writers failing a drug test. This is about the pussyfication of the boxing media.

Carsey McKay is NOT a member of the Boxing Writers Association of America, having been rejected for membership six times and counting. Send your cuckold fantasies, positive comments and biblical passages to CarsyMcK@fightclubwriter.com

Apr 212014
 
Bernard Hopkins_Showtime Sports

Anthropologists discover a rare prehistoric creature at the DC Armory in Washington, D.C.

FightClubWriter.com
April 21, 2014

Anthropologists working in Washington D.C. have determined that dinosaurs are not extinct and still live on Earth. Their research uncovered a prehistoric creature taking part in a world championship boxing match on Saturday night at the DC Armory.

The world renowned group of scientists say the creature is a plant-eating pachycephalo from the Cretaceous period and is approximately 211 million years old.

The internationally assembled research team, accidentally stumbled upon their rare find when one of the scientists decided to do something daring and out of the ordinary by attending a modern day gladiator event called boxing.

Thousands of spectators witnessed the two-legged dinosaur defeat a 30-year-old Kazakhstan fighter in a light heavyweight championship bout. Immediately after the event, scientists attached a tracking tag on the Stegosaurus they named “Bernard” and released him back into his native habitat.

Apr 132014
 

Pacquiao vs. Bradley Top Rank/Chris Farina

By FightClubWriter Bot
April 12, 2014

Manny Pacquiao defeated Timothy Bradley by scores of 118-110, 116-112 and 116-112 on Saturday in Las Vegas, Nevada, according to multiple media outlets and press releases.

The 12-round WBO welterweight championship bout occurred at 9:00 p.m. Pacific time at the MGM Grand Garden Arena.

According to CompuBox punch stats, Pacquiao landed 198 punches and threw 563 punches for a punch rate of 35 percent. Bradley landed 141 punches and threw 627 punches for a connect rate of 22 percent.

Pacquiao now has a record of 56 wins, five losses and two draws. Bradley has a record of 31 wins and one loss.

According to event organizers, the attendance was announced as 15,601 and the live gate receipts totaled over $8 million. In the past 7 days there have been no boxing shows in Las Vegas or on pay-per-view.

Pacquiao was  guaranteed $20 million and Bradley earned $6 million.

This information comes from the Automated Boxing Notification Emergency Alert Service and this post was created by an algorithm written by a motherfucking robot.

Mar 312014
 

Hogan vs Andre

FightClubWriter.com
March 31, 2014

Newly released top secret documents show that the FBI suspected Hulk Hogan’s electrifying victory over Andre the Giant at WrestleMania 3 was fixed.

According to the declassified documents, the FBI suspected the fight had been fixed by pro wrestling promoter Vincent Kennedy McMahon, but provided no evidence to corroborate the suspicions the bureau investigated.

WWF World Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan – at the time regarded as the “Unstoppable Force” – defended his title against the 7-foot-4, 520-pound “Eighth Wonder of the World,” at the Silverdome in Pontiac, Michigan on March 29, 1987.

The Hulkster became the first wrestler in history to slam “The Immovable Object” thanks to his daily consumption of milk and vitamins.

In an iconic moment, Hogan used his 24-inch pythons to bodyslam Andre the Giant. After hitting his finishing move – The Atomic Leg Drop – Hogan pinned Andre for the three count to retain the WWF title.

There were suggestions that McMahon and Andre the Giant made over $88 million betting that Hulkamania would run wild at WrestleMania 3.

McMahon says he’s offended that someone would besmirch his long-standing reputation as the most honest and transparent promoter in wrestling history.

“I’m in the professional wrestling business,” grunted McMahon. “If I ever wanted to promote a fake sport with fixed fights, I’d be a boxing promoter.”

Mar 272014
 

DanRafaelESPNBy Dan Rafael
King Fight Freak
March 27, 2014

Glass Joe

Glass Joe eats a Little Mac left hand

What is about to go down Saturday night in the 8-bit universe is everything that is wrong with boxing. Glass Joe is going to fight.

He is taking on King Hippo in a scheduled 4-round bout sanctioned by the World Video Boxing Association. It’s a fight that should not be taking place.

Glass Joe is a shot fighter. A badly shot fighter, who has not been able to take a solid punch to the chin. It was light-years ago that he did the unthinkable and beat the green, up-and-coming prospect Little Mac.

It’s why a promoter, especially one with deep pockets and a great pre-fight buffet, will still put him on.

Glass Joe is damaged goods. I don’t say that because I’m told to do so or because  I have read the strategy guides over at GameFAQs. I say it because I’m hungry and a man’s got to eat.

Watch a recent fight. It doesn’t take a genius to know when a guy is not only done, but way past done like a T-bone steak. He’s at risk of being seriously hurt because of the kind of hard shots he takes on his glass jaw.

The window dressing here is that Glass Joe officially has won his last two fights after being knocked out by Von Kaiser.

Those two bouts were on an original Nintendo Entertainment System, although at this stage I am not so sure Glass Joe would be licensed on a gaming computer with a decent NES emulator.

But in this day and age, where hacking systems is the norm and largely ignored, it looks like Glass Joe will fight on.

Mar 172014
 

FightClubWriter.com
March 17, 2014

Clubber Lang WWE Hall of FameSTAMFORD, Conn. – Former world heavyweight champion Clubber Lang will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame at a ceremony on April 5 in New Orleans.

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon made the announcement at a press conference on Monday.

“WWE is honored to have Clubber Lang join the WWE Hall of Fame,” said McMahon before being interrupted by the intense former champion.

“Shut up, Old Man! You don’t know what I had to come from! Why don’t you tell all these nice folks why it took you so long to induct me? Politics, man,” exclaimed Lang.

Known as one of the most iconic champions in boxing history, Lang defeated Hall of Famer Rocky Balboa for the heavyweight championship in 1982. In addition to his boxing career, Lang also made many memorable WWE appearances in the mid-1980s as a gold chain wearing tough-guy named Mr.T.

Lang traded in his boxing trunks for wrestling tights in 1985 when he successfully teamed with Hulk Hogan to defeat “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff in the main event of the inaugural WrestleMania at Madison Square Garden. The ruthless slugger from Chicago defeated “Rowdy” Roddy Piper by disqualification in a boxing match at WrestleMania 2.

Clubber Lang joins 2012 inductee “Iron” Mike Tyson as the second former world heavyweight champion to enter the WWE Hall of Fame.

Mar 102014
 

Angulo cavemanFightClubWriter.com
March 10, 2014

LAS VEGAS — Alfredo Angulo fails a post-fight DNA test following his one-sided TKO loss to Canelo Alvarez on Saturday.

Angulo tested positive for the Neanderthal gene, most commonly known as caveman DNA.

Neanderthals were a group of primitive humans who lived over 750,000 years ago.

They are classified as homo neanderthalensis and are believed to have gone extinct approximately 50,000 years ago.

The average homo neanderthalensis-to-homo sapien ratio is 0:1. Angulo’s test results were a whopping 15:1.

Angulo adamantly denies having the Neanderthal gene or receiving it from his controversial strength and conditioning coach Victor Conte.

The former convicted drug dealer, who provides Angulo with performance enhancing supplements and training products says he had nothing to do with the failed test results.

“I have fathered many children, but Alfredo is not one of them,” said Conte. “All of my donations were deposited at the Bay Area Spank Bank Laboratory.”

Angulo is also questioning the results and collection procedures of his failed DNA test which was administered by the Nevada State Athletic Commission.

“The Q-tip they used to swab the DNA from my mouth was dirty,” Angulo said through an interpreter. “I used that Q-tip to clean my ears before the fight started.”

Nevada State Athletic Commission officials say administering the test is straightforward and 100% accurate.

“The DNA test results are foolproof,” said NSAC chief ringside physician Dr. Emmet Brown. “As for administering the test, it’s so easy a caveman can do it.”