Manny Pacquiao Apologizes For Eating Duck Abortions

February 16, 2016

Manny Pacquiao apologized Tuesday for eating fertilized duck eggs known as balut.

Pacquiao says even though he’s against abortion, a duck has the right to chose and he has the right to enjoy delicious duck embryos.

“I’m sorry for eating balut, but it’s so good,” Pacquiao exclaimed. “Instead I will try other delicious animals like goats, turtles and dogs.”

Pacquiao ate the two-week-old fertilized egg after his two-hour training session on Monday. He is training for what he says will be his final career fight against Timothy Bradley in April.

“These restore my power,” Pacquiao said while enthusiastically peeling off the shell and slurping the semi-developed chick and yolk.

This isn’t the first time Pacquiao has set off a firestorm of controversy.

In 2012, Pacquiao had a spiritual reawakening after being unfaithful to his wife. He rededicated himself to God by selling off his cockfighting operation.

“I have the words of God in my mouth and I have God in me,” Pacquiao said in a 2012 interview.

“I don’t need to put my prized cock up against another man’s cock to have fun. I feel the truth, so I’m happy.”

Chris Arreola Tests Positive For High Cholesterol

February 9, 2016

The Texas Department of Licensing and Regulation suspends heavyweight Chris Arreola for 90-days.

Arreola tested positive for high cholesterol following his win against Travis Kauffman in San Antonio last December.

The 12-round split-decision has been changed to a no-decision.

The suspension is retroactive from the date of the fight, December 12. Arreola was fined two chimichangas, four burritos and one large order of deluxe carne asada nachos.

Arreola also tested positive for diabetes following a 2011 victory against Friday Ahunanya. The win was also changed to a no-decision.

Under the terms of his suspension, Arreola must begin taking the cholesterol-lowering medication Lipitor.

The two-time heavyweight title loser must also attend meetings at a certified Jenny Craig Weight Loss Center.

Tyson Fury Offered 75 Million Imperial Credits To Fight On Death Star

Death Star
February 5, 2016

Tyson Fury claims a Sith master from a galaxy far, far away offered to host his first heavyweight title defense aboard a mobile space station.

The heavyweight champion says the unnamed Sith master made a 75 million Imperial credit offer. The showdown would be a private non-televised event with 75 stormtroopers in attendance.

“We had negotiations with a Sith master from the Galactic Empire to have it on the Death Star,” Fury said.

A rematch between Fury and Wladimir Klitschko may take place later this year in Germany.

The Millennium Falcon, as well as locations in Naboo, Tatooine and Coruscant are possible venues.

“Five possible venues there are. Back to Germany I’m hoping it’s not going to go. To Hoth or Endor than there I’d rather go,” Fury said.

The undefeated Briton ended Klitschko’s 10-year reign as world champion last November.

Fury doubts the Klitschko rematch will go ahead as planned. The 27-year-old windbag suggests he may retire as the reigning world heavyweight champion.

“Into the sunset unbeaten with all the belts, I could just sail. Hmmmm!”

“It’s possible now but it would have been an epic story, fighting on the Death Star I don’t think.”

Masked Man On His Way To Orgy Mistaken For Heavyweight Champion

masked man
January 17, 2016

A local area man wearing a bronze mask was mistaken for a boxing world champion Saturday.

His plans for a night of rituals and sexual pleasure at an orgy hosted by a secret society came to an abrupt end.

The 30-year-old man who wished to remain anonymous was on his way to a Long Island mansion to “get his fuck on.” His cab driver took a wrong turn and dropped him off at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn.

“As soon as I got off the cab a bunch of guys grabbed me. They put a robe and some boxing gloves on me, then walked me down a hallway like I was some prizefighter,” the masked man said.

“Next thing you know I’m in a fucking boxing ring fighting in front of 10,000 people.”

The masked man feared for his life standing across the ring from heavyweight contender Artur Szpilka.

“I damn near shit myself a couple times up there.”

The masked man held his own for eight rounds when lightening struck in round nine. He landed a powerful right hand that sent Szpilka into unconsciousness.

The referee immediately waved off the fight with Szpilka flat on his back and his eyes wide shut.

“Holy shit! I had plans on doing some slamming tonight, but not with another dude,” the masked man exclaimed.

After the fight, Showtime interviewer Jim Gray asked the masked man, “What do you plan on doing next?”

The masked man’s response?


President Obama Appoints Adrien Broner As Gun Czar

January 6, 2016

President Barack Obama grew emotional Tuesday as he appointed Adrien Broner to lead the administration’s effort to enact gun control measures via executive order.

With tears streaming down his face in the East Room of the White House, Obama praised Broner’s common sense and gun safety record.

“I am fortunate to have such a brilliant, compassionate and humble young man working with us to reduce gun violence.”

Broner, a two-division world titleholder will put his boxing career on hold and work out of the White House’s West Wing. He will report directly to Vice President Joe Biden and be tasked with studying executive actions and constitutional law.

“He is going to be one hell of a gun czar,” said Biden. “But he will be a better wing man for old Diamond Joe!”

Manhunt Underway For Escaped Championship Belts

Tony Zale championship belt

One of six fugitive belts that escaped from the International Boxing Hall of Fame.
November 10, 2015

A manhunt is underway in upstate New York after six boxing championship belts escaped from the International Boxing Hall of Fame in Canastota.

Canastota Police Department officials say the belts escaped the morning of Nov. 5 where they were serving a life sentence.

Museum officials say the belts escaped from three broken display cases and a broken window.

The six belts were displayed at the International Boxing Hall of Fame which is approximately 20 miles east of Syracuse.

Canastota Police Chief James Zophy says the belts will likely head for the black market if investigators can’t find them in time. It’s the first escape in the 25-year history of the hall of fame, he said.

Four of the belts were previously captured by former welterweight and middleweight champion Carmen Basilio and the other two by former middleweight champion Tony Zale.

Timothy Bradley, Virgil To Form The FuckMoney Team

September 10, 2015

WBO welterweight titleholder Timothy Bradley has ushered in a new era of boxing by firing his long-time trainer Joel Diaz and hiring wrestling superstar Virgil.

Bradley held a press conference Wednesday afternoon to officially announce that Virgil has replaced Diaz and is training him for his next fight against Brandon Rios on November 7.

“I met Virgil at Olive Garden a few weeks ago and had the opportunity to share unlimited breadsticks and salad with him,” Bradley said.

Virgil says he’s partnering up with Bradley to take the boxing world by storm.

“Well the first thing you’ve gotta realize is that this right here is the future of boxing. You can call us The FuckMoney Team,” Virgil exclaimed.

Since his professional debut in 2004, Bradley has won five world titles in two weight classes all under Diaz’s tutelage.

In their last fight together, Bradley defeated Jessie Vargas on June 27 to capture the vacant WBO welterweight title.

Boxing insiders have given Bradley a ringing endorsement for hiring Virgil, with one insider calling it a “Godsend for the sport of boxing.”

Virgil is best known for his time in the World Wrestling Federation as the personal bodyguard for the “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.

More recently, Virgil has been seen at subway stations, flea markets and freeway off-ramps trying to sell 8×10 pictures of himself.

When asked if he is competent enough to train Bradley, Virgil says he has a wealth of knowledge to teach the two-division world champion.

“Tim wanted to learn how to be as great as me and get a lifetime supply of fuckmoney. I have been in the game for so long and now it is time to share my skills with the world,” Virgil said.

“I am all about that fuckmoney.”

Former BWAA Member Files Lawsuit Against Online Dating Site

August 26, 2015

A former member of the Boxing Writers Association of America has filed a multi-gazillion dollar lawsuit against an online dating site for false advertising.

The plaintiff joined the dating site seeking “wet hotness,” according to his lawsuit filed Monday in The People’s Court.

The former boxing writer and struggling actor wants to be known as “a person with knowledge of the situation,” in all court documents and proceedings.

The lawsuit accuses Adult F*ck Finder with using fake profiles to trick people into upgrading to paid memberships for guaranteed sexual encounters.

The plaintiff who is known as a “PEDs-o-phile” in the boxing world, said he added his personal information and photographs to the website’s database in hopes of “gently melting in someone’s touch.”

A PEDs-o-phile is an interloper masquerading as a journalist who has an unhealthy obsession with athletes that use performance enhancing drugs (PEDs).

According to the lawsuit, the plaintiff claims he was guaranteed to “have the liquid soft sweet center of his sex inched ever so slowly towards some hot wetness,” if he purchased credits that guaranteed him sex with other members on the site.

The plaintiff alleges that he suffered epididymal hypertension and is seeking punitive damages. The condition caused by prolonged sexual arousal in the human male without ejaculation is accompanied by testicular pain due to temporary fluid congestion in the testicles. It is commonly known as “blue balls.”

“Not being able to blow my load will continue to create irreparable harm,” the plaintiff said in his lawsuit.

The lawsuit argues his pain and suffering could have been avoided; Adult F*ck Finder on the other hand, dismissed the claims by saying they find it hard to believe that he didn’t jerk-off to relieve his blue balls.

Golovkin-Lemieux Sets MSG Box Office Record

August 13, 2015

NEW YORK — A long-standing Madison Square Garden box office record was shattered by the world middleweight championship title bout between The World’s Scariest middleweight champion Gennady Golovkin and IBF champion David Lemieux.

A pre-sale of over 162,000 tickets for the heavily hyped October 11 championship bout sold out in just three seconds, annihilating all previous records for any events held at the World’s Most Overrated Arena.

“The interest from blood thirsty fans in this middleweight title unification has been totally tits,” said Tom Loeffler, Managing Director of K2 Promotions.

“We’re ecstatic at the response from the pre-sale and look forward to seeing 311,000 screaming Golovkinmaniacs hanging from the Madison Square Garden rafters on October 14.”

Golden Boy Promotions Chairman and CEO Oscar De La Hoya says the fans are starving for more than just boxing fisticuffs.

“If you think this record-breaking pre-sale is something wait until our fight night bake sale,” said De La Hoya. “Fans are hungry for brownies, muffins and cupcakes and they know that this Golden Boy will deliver the goods on October 22 at The Madison Squared Circle Arena.”

Floyd Mayweather-Ronda Rousey Feud Heating Up!

Ronda Rousey
July 17, 2015

LOS ANGELES — A mega-feud is brewing between UFC champion Ronda Rousey and pound-for-pound boxing champion Floyd Mayweather.

The rumor mill is swirling with talk of an intergender pay-per-view match between the baddest woman on the planet and the sweet scientist.

UFC President Dana White says the event should take place inside the octagon sometime this fall for the late Andy Kaufman’s vacant intergender wrestling championship of the world.

However, Mayweather’s secretive manager Al Haymon and WWE wrestling kingpin Vince McMahon are trying to get the match on their respective television programs.

Talk of a fight between the two superstars heated up just two days ago when Rousey took home the ESPY for Best Fighter by edging out Mayweather.

In accepting the award during ESPN’s broadcast, Rousey said she wondered how Mayweather felt about getting “beat by a woman for once.”

However, Rousey wasn’t the only woman to beat him for an ESPY on Wednesday night.

Mayweather also came up short in the voting for the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

Facing his greatest fear and defeating his arch nemesis Manny Pacquiao in May wasn’t enough for Mayweather to beat out Caitlyn Jenner.

The former Bruce Jenner made her first public appearance since completing her gender transition and gave an emotional acceptance speech.

Mayweather’s transgressions with women have been well documented over the years. He has had numerous domestic violence incidents and arrests, and served three-months in jail back in 2012 for beating the mother of his children.

When asked whether he could beat Rousey in a fight, Mayweather responded by saying, “Why wouldn’t I? I have been beating women my whole life.”