Jan 142015
 

FightClubWriter.com
January 14, 2015

Mayweather reading

Manny Pacquiao agrees to terms for a May 2 reading contest with Floyd Mayweather, although one major hurdle still remains.

The only thing holding up the long-awaited contest is Mayweather’s insistence that he read the one-page contract all by himself before agreeing to the deal.

He began reading the contract in November 2009.

Mayweather’s representatives are insisting they read the contract to him, but he continues to rebuff their efforts.

A source with knowledge of the situation says concessions have been made by both sides, including which stories will be read and what organization will administer the IQ testing.

If a deal is consummated, the reading contest will take place at the MGM Grand Garden Library in Las Vegas.

As far as which stories will be read, each contestant gets to select his own book.

Pacquiao has agreed to read former President George W. Bush’s personal favorite The Pet Goat, while Mayweather has narrowed down his choices to Mommy’s Black Eye and My Daddy Is In Jail.

Jan 132015
 

FightClubWriter.com
January 13, 2015

Mike Alvarado mugshot

DENVER – A Beretta 9mm semi-automatic pistol was arrested for being in possession of a convicted felon on Monday.

Police found the handgun hiding in a vehicle  belonging to former WBO junior welterweight champion Mike Alvarado.

A Denver Police Department spokesman says the Beretta eluded officers by hiding in the glove compartment of Alvarado’s Hummer.

Since the Beretta is registered as a deadly weapon it cannot legally be in possession of a convicted felon.

Alvarado pleaded guilty to one felony count of  aggravated driving with a revoked license in 2008.

Police say the Beretta was riding shotgun with Alvarado when the Hummer was stopped because the license plates were expired. The officers say the Beretta tried to “act all conspicuous” by ducking into the glove compartment.

Alvarado (34-3, 23 KOs) is set to fight Brandon Rios for a third time on January 24.

The Beretta was scheduled for an armed robbery attempt this Friday at the Mile High Pot Shop in Downtown Denver.

Dec 042014
 

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***

mccarson fight

FightClubWriter.com
December 4, 2014

Bleacher Report boxing writer Kelsey McCarson will be matched up against middleweight prospect Jermell Charlo this Saturday, December 6 in a sparring session that has more to it than being a simple test of wills.

“Kelsey really, really wants to be famous,” said one anonymous source with knowledge of the situation. “He’s tried to become a star in the business, but it’s hard to earn respectability as a writer when you’re working for the internet equivalent of newspaper bird cage liner.”

With that focus in mind and the pretense of doing it all for a cancer kid, Kelsey has set out to make a spectacle of himself.

“I suppose he could’ve gotten a celebrity or legendary fighter to spar Charlo and raise $50,000 or more instead of the inconsequential $5,000 raised, but then what would be the use? Kelsey wouldn’t have been able to get himself on radio shows and featured in local newspapers. And he couldn’t have dedicated weeks to self-serving training videos of him getting in shape. Like he told the world on Twitter, he already makes more money than 90% of boxing writers out there, but he wants more. He wants fame and BWAA membership. He wants to BE somebody—and that kid’s cancer was the perfect opportunity!”

Kelsey took time while in “training” to write yet another awkward, self-obsessive article for the now ultra-fem SweetScience.com, sharing the mindset of a fame-hungry scribe about to go through three fake rounds of sparring with a real fighter:

“The fight consumes me. I am not myself. I am short with people and grumpy. People make jokes and I don’t laugh. I stare off into the distance while people around me do normal things like have conversations and share stories about their day…I’m consumed with the fight in a way that I’ve not been consumed with anything prior.”

Will the pressure consume Kelsey before the opening bell? Will his mad quest for fame and appreciation destroy the fragile balance between sanity and insanity? Some are saying that the descent into the black hole of Boxing Writer Munchausen Syndrome has already begun. An anonymous family source is expressing concern.

“I awoke last night at about three in the morning to a demonic cackling in my walk-in closet. I flung open the door and found him sitting cross-legged in the dark, pulling the legs off a spider, smiling like a crazed child.

He was saying, ‘I’m gonna spar with ‘Baby Bull’ next. Spidey needs prosthetic legs. Gonna do another fundraiser. Please donate. Love me. Please?‘

I’m worried what’s going to happen after this fake fight if he gets more than 500 hits on YouTube. He may be unstoppable!”

Fight fans and followers of Munchausen Syndrome will just have to tune in for themselves as Kelsey will surely make the video available by social media blasting for weeks to follow.

###

Nov 242014
 

FightClubWriter.com
November 24, 2014

Boxing writer gives prostate examsBoxing writer Kelsey McCarson is on a crusade to knockout prostate cancer by lending his high-profile name and image to raise awareness against the deadly disease.

McCarson’s celebrity profile is on a meteoric rise thanks to his work as a boxing journalist and he wants to lend his fame and popularity to a great cause.

Raising awareness and saving lives is McCarson’s sole goal even if he has to perform every single prostate exam himself. The reason to do a prostate exam is to look for early warning signs of colon and prostate cancer.

Approximately 80,000 men die of colon, prostate and rectal cancer in the United States each  year.

McCarson says the exam is uncomfortable and embarrassing, but the consequences of not getting one is a life and death situation and that is why he will be performing free exams at his private residence.

“What I usually do is take my finger put some lube on it and slip it in the anus. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s an essential part of the exam. It’s a life saver,” said McCarson.

“If it helps any, I will perform the exams with both my hands on their shoulders to calm the nerves of anyone being examined.”

Nov 072014
 

FightClubWriter.com
November 7, 2014

Bernard HopkinsDisrupting the space-time continuum without a Delorean or 1.21 giggawatts of power is no easy task, but don’t tell that to Bernard Hopkins who turns 50 in January. The unified light heavyweight champion will risk life and limb to conquer any challenge.

Many observers believe the oldest boxer to win and defend world titles is tempting fate and mocking ‘Father Time’ by taking on the most dangerous 175-pounder in the world.

Hopkins faces undefeated titlist Sergey Kovalev in a light heavyweight unification bout tomorrow night at the Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

At yesterday’s press conference, Hopkins explains why his record-setting run hasn’t transcended the sport or landed him that lucrative Centrum Silver endorsement contract.

“It’s because I’m old,” Hopkins said.

“If I was any younger, I’d be on every billboard and every milk carton. Even if I had hair they’d say I’m too old for those ‘Just for men’ hair dye commercials.”

You can easily see why Hopkins has such an old-school persona. He was influenced by some of the toughest, most outspoken and intelligent fighters to come out of the fighting city of Philadelphia.

In fact, he didn’t disappoint when asked who is favorite fighter was growing up as a kid.

“Bernard Hopkins was my favorite fighter growing up,” Hopkins reveals.

“I have been fighting for so long that I actually grew up watching myself fight. Now does anybody know where I can find a flux capacitor?”

Sep 092014
 

FightClubWriter.com
September 9, 2014

al_bernstein

Al Bernstein passing a gallstone in 2010

LAS VEGAS  — Stepping into the squared circle is a dangerous and painful endeavor for practitioners of the sweet science, but sitting in press row can be equally as painful.

When Showtime commentator Al Bernstein serves as ringside analyst for the Floyd Mayweather-Marcos Maidana rematch on Saturday, he will attempt to pass an 8-pound kidney stone.

According to Bernstein’s spokesperson Adie Zuckerman, Bernstein has suffered from kidney stones for three decades.

His first came on November 10,1983 when he did the Marvin Hagler-Roberto Duran fight. “My goal for this one is to provided high drama by totally destroying my urethra and leaving a pool of blood and urine on press row,” said Bernstein.

On a scale of 1-10, Bernstein believes the pain will be a “10” although he also thinks it could be a “1” due to his past experiences.

Sep 022014
 

FightClubWriter.com
September 2, 2014

victorconte

Victor Conte proudly displays a picture of himself with Holly Fields.

Convicted drug dealer and performance enhancing scientist Victor Conte has developed a groundbreaking new drug that may change the world as we know it.

The unnamed drug will allow a person to change genders without the traumatic effects of undergoing an invasive operation.

“The changes happen rapidly and there is no pain involved,” said Conte.

“Men will begin to see changes when their testicles magically transform into meat flaps. For women, the clitoris will blossom into a two inch penis.”

“But don’t worry,” Conte added, “I have another pill to make it much bigger than that.”

Conte inadvertently created the life altering drug while working on a nutritional anti-constipation supplement for his boxing clientele.

Inspired by boxing promoter Frank Maloney’s decision to undergo a sex change operation to live life as a woman, Conte decided to mass produce and distribute his latest creation.

Although this remarkable new drug is still in the testing stages, Conte is excited by the results he has seen on his test subjects.

One of Conte’s original test patients is fitness-enthusiast Evan Fields. Now living as Holly Fields, the 49-year-old Atlanta native has made the transition from male to female with Conte’s sex change drug.

“I was born in the wrong body. What was wrong at birth is now being corrected chemically,” said Holly Fields.

Conte believes his sex change drug will hit the market within the next six months, but first the product needs a catchy new name.

“The scientific name is methandrofrankensteinstallone, but I like to keep things plain and simple,” he said. “You know one word names like the Cream or the Clear.”

Aug 262014
 

FightClubWriter.com
August 26, 2014

BoxingSceneVirus

BoxingScene virus symptoms

Boxing enthusiasts around the globe were absolutely shocked and utterly dumbfounded to find their computers infected with malware after visiting BoxingScene.com.

Internet security experts say BoxingScene is infected with over one million different viruses including spyware, Trojan horses and Herpes Simplex-10.

People who suspect they may be infected with a BoxingScene virus are urged to contact the Computer Center of Disease Control for further instructions.

Uninfected web surfers are urged to avoid contact with BoxingScene readers as the viruses are highly contagious.

However, one visitor considers himself lucky despite all the doom and gloom swirling around the infectious boxing gossip site. Robert Daniels was excited to learn that he was BoxingScene.com’s $100,000 daily grand prize winner.

A pop-up ad informed Daniels to click a link and fill out a brief survey to claim his cash prize. Daniels, 22, followed the instructions to claim the prize.

“I can’t wait to get my cash,” said a visibly excited Daniels. “As soon as they confirm my social security and bank account numbers belong to me, I’m high rolling it to Vegas!”

Aug 152014
 

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

MayweatherPromotions

FightClubWriter.com
August 15, 2014

In keeping with Floyd Mayweather’s tradition of violence against women, Mayweather Promotions has assembled a stellar undercard featuring this era’s most chicken-shit domestic violence abusers on “DOMESTIC MAYHEM: Mayweather vs. Maidana 2” on Saturday, September 13 from the MGM Grand Garden Arena live on SHOWTIME PPV.

“Floyd always wants to ensure that paying fans get to see what his family’s legacy is all about, Domestic Mayhem! From his daddy Floyd Senior busting up his momma to his uncle Roger smacking around random females, he will deliver a compelling televised undercard,” said Leonard Ellerbe, CEO Mayweather Promotions.

“This fight night will be no different from the rest of Floyd’s domestic assaults. This sensational night of boxing has chicken-shit written all over it.”

Featured on the pay-per-view telecast, adult actress Christy Mack will put her ass on the line, again, in a Sin City ambulance match against her impotent ex-boyfriend and wanted fugitive War Machine.

Plus in a return bout, the singing pride of Barbados, Rihanna, is out for revenge when she defends herself against convicted woman-beater Chris “Soap-on-a-Rope” Brown. In a tag team bout, Ray Rice’s wife Janay Palmer joins forces with Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles to take on the team of self-proclaimed crack dealer Jay-Z and Baltimore Ravens running back Ray “Lights Out” Rice in an elevator match.

Rounding out a scandalous night of televised confrontations, SHOWTIME will present a live hard-hitting rap battle between ESPN talking head Stephen A. Smith and HBO boxing commentator Max Kellerman with special guest OJ Simpson serving as the emcee from his Las Vegas prison cell.

###

Aug 142014
 

By Carsey McKay
August 14, 2014

pansiesThe Boxing Writers Association of America is set to suspend over 20 writers due to a scandal involving the rampant use of estrogen amongst its boxing writers.

Investigators say it is the worst drug-abuse case in the history of boxing.

The BWAA declined to comment, but confirmed that an investigation has been launched to look into the matter.

There isn’t a journalism institution today with a drug problem like the one that threatens the sanctity of the boxing media.

If writers are subjected to 24/7/365 testing for the presence of synthetic estrogen, then the public can know for sure if these effeminate writers are producing estrogen naturally or artificially.

Dr. Margo Woodcock, president and founder of Another Stupid Anti‐Doping Agency (ASADA) has called for the BWAA to immediately test its writers for the use of synthetic estrogen.

To date, only writers who participate in ASADA’s rigorous voluntary program undergo such testing. “The recent positive tests for artificial estrogen in the boxing media is a problem for such a masculine and macho sport,” said Dr. Woodcock.

“Clearly, some writers are choosing to get married because they know their ‘wives’ can easily obtain the substance. It’s long over due that these writers are tested for synthetic estrogen.”

The BWAA has allowed the media to be overrun by testicular-challenged pansies that like nothing more than ogling shirtless, sweaty, muscular, toned and defined beefcakes. Those rugged, fist-fighting, cigar-smoking, whiskey-drinking, fedora-wearing, womanizing fight scribes of yesteryear are a thing of the past.

The future of fight writing is bleak. This isn’t about a few writers failing a drug test. This is about the pussyfication of the boxing media.

Carsey McKay is NOT a member of the Boxing Writers Association of America, having been rejected for membership six times and counting. Send your cuckold fantasies, positive comments and biblical passages to CarsyMcK@fightclubwriter.com